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Why art thou patient, man? Thou should'st be mad;
[putting a paper crown on his head.]
Ay, marry, Sir, now looks he like a king!
Is crown'd so soon, and broke his solemn oath?
'Till our King Henry had shook hands with death.
And will you pale your head in Henry's glory,
Now in his life, against your holy oath?
O, 'tis a fault too unpardonable!
Off with the crown; and with the crown his head;
THE TRAVELLED COXCOMB.
Oft has it been my lot to mark,
AFFECTATION displays itself in a thousand different gestures, motions, airs, and looks, according to the character which the person affects. Affectation of learning, or pedantry, gives a stiff formality to the whole person. The words come stalking out with the pace of a funeral procession; and every sentence has the solemnity of an oracle. Affectation of piety, turns up the goggling whites of the eyes to heaven, as if the person were in a trance, and fixes them in that posture so long that the brain of the beholder grows giddy. Then comes up, deep grumbling, a holy groan from the lower part of the thorax; but so tremendous in sound, and so long protracted, that you expect to see a goblin
rise, like an exhalation through the solid earth. Then he begins to rock from side to side, or backward and forward, like an aged pine, on the side of a hill, when a brisk wind blows. The hands are clasped together, and often lifted, and the head often Ishaken with foolish vehemence. The tone of the voice is canting or sing-song lullaby, not much distant from an Irish howl, and the words godly doggrel. Affectation of beauty, puts a fine woman by turns into all sorts of forms, appearances, and attitudes, but amiable ones. She undoes, by art, or rather awkwardness (for true art conceals itself) all that nature had done for her; Nature formed her almost an angel, and she, with infinite pains, makes herself a monkey. Therefore this species of affectation is easily imitated, or taken off. Make as many, and as ugly grimaces, motions, and gestures, as can be made; and take care that nature never peeps out, and you represent coquettish affectation to the life. Foppery in men is similarly expressed.
AFFECTATION OF LEARNING.
DR. NEVERONT-MOLIERE'S MARRIAGE FORCÉE.
[Talking to one in the house]. I tell you friend, you are a silly fellow, ignorant of all good discipline, and fit to be banished from the republic of letters. I will undertake to demonstrate by convincing arguments, drawn from the writings of Aristotle himself, the philosopher of philosophers, that ignarus es, thou art an ignorant fellow; that ignarus eras, thou wast an ignorant fellow; that ignarus fuisti, thou hast been an ignorant fellow; and that ignarus fueras, thou hadst been an ignorant fellow; and that, ignarus eris, thou wilt be an ignorant fellow, through all the genders, cases, numbers, voices, moods, tenses, and persons, of all the articles, the nouns, the pronouns, the verbs, the participles, the adverbs, prepositions, interjections, and conjunc
CLOWNISH AFFECTATION OF LEARNING, WITH CLOWNISH SIMPLICITY OR IGNORANCE.
THE CLOWN AND WILLIAM, IN "AS YOU LIKE IT."
Will. Good even to you, Sir.
Clown. Good even, gentle friend; cover thy head, cover thy head; nay
pr'ythee, be cover'd. How old are you, friend?
Will. Five-and-twenty, Sir.
Clown. A ripe age; Is thy name William ?
Will. William, Sir.
Clown. A fair name; Wast born i' th' forest here?
Will. Ay, Sir I thank God.
Clown. Thank God;-a good answer; Art rich?
Will. 'Faith, Sir, so, so.
Clown. So, so, is good, very good, very excellent good ;-And yet it is not; it is but so so. Art thou wise?
Will. Ay, Sir, I have a pretty wit.
Clown. Why, thou say'st well; I do now remember a saying, "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." The heathen philosopher, when he had a desire to eat a grape, would open his lips when he put it into his mouth; meaning thereby, that grapes were made to eat, and lips to open. You do love this maid? Will. I do, Sir.
Clown. Give me your hand: Art learned?
Clown. Then learn this of me; to have, is to have; for it is a figure in rhetoric, that drink being pour'd out of a cup into a glass, by filling the one doth empty the other; for all your writers do consent, that ipse is he, now you are not ipse, for I am he.
Will. Which he, Sir?
Clown. He, Sir, that must marry this woman; therefore, you clown, abandon,-which is in the vulgar, leave-the society,-which in the boorish, is company-of this female,-which in the common is,-woman, which together is, abandon the society of this female; or, clown, thou perishest; or to thy better understanding, diest; to wit, I kill thee, make thee away, translate thy life into death, thy liberty into bondage; I will deal in poison with thee, or in bastinado, or in steel; I will bandy with thee in faction; I will o'er-run thee with policy; I will kill thee a hundred and fifty ways; therefore tremble, and depart.
AFFECTATION OF PIETY.
DR. CANTWELL, IN THE "HYPOCRITE.”
Dr. Cant. Charles, step up into my study; bring down a dozen more of those manuels of devotion, with the last hymn I composed; and when he calls, give them to Mr. Mawworm; and, hark-ye, if any one enquires after me, say I am gone to Newgate and the Marshalsea, to distribute alms.
Lady Lamb. Well, but worthy Doctor,-Why will you go to the prisons yourself? Cannot you send the money? Ugly distempers are often catched there; have a care of your health; let us keep one good man, at least, among us.
Dr. Cant. Alas! madam; I am not a good man; I am a guilty, wicked, sinner, full of iniquity; the greatest villain that ever breathed; every instant of my life is clouded with stains; 'tis one continued series of crimes and defilements: you do not know what I am capable of you indeed take me for a good man; but the truth is, I am a worthless creature.-No, madam, I want to suffer; I ought to be mortified; and I am obliged now to tell you, that, for my soul's sake, I must quit your good son's family: I am pampered too much here; live too much at my ease.
AFFECTATION OF BEAUTY.
LADY FANCIFUL.-" PROVOKED WIFE."
Good breeding! He wants to be caned, Mademoiselle. An insolent fellow! And yet, let me expose my weakness, 'tis the only man on earth I could resolve to dispense my favours on, were he but a fine gentlemen. Well did men but know how deep an impression a fine gentleman makes in a lady's heart, they would reduce all their studies to that of good breeding alone. I should soon subdue his brutality; for without doubt, he has a strange penchant to grow fond of me, in spite of his aversion to the sex, else he would never have taken so much pains about me. Lord! how proud
would some poor creatures be of such a conquest! but I alas! I don't know how to receive as a favour, what I take to be so infinitely my due. Give me the pen and ink, I find myself whimsical; I'll write to him,-or, I'll let it alone, and be severe upon him that way [sitting down to write and rising up again]. Yet, active severity is better than passive [sitting down] 'tis as good to let it alone, too; for every lash I give him, perhaps, he'll take for a favour [rising]. Yet 'tis thousand pities so much satire should be lost [sitting.] But if it should have a wrong effect upon him, 'twould distract me [rising]. Well I must write, though, after all [sitting]. Or, I'll let it alone, which is the same thing [rising].
OSRIC IN "HAMLET."
Osric. My lord, his majesty bade me signify to you, that he has laid a great wager on your head: Sir, this is the matter.
Ham. I beseech you, remember [Hamlet moves him to put on his hat]. Osric. Nay, good my lord; for my ease, in good faith. Sir, here is newly come to court, Laertes; believe me, an absolute gentleman, full of most excellent differences, of very soft society, and great shewing: indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the card, or calendar of gentry; for you shall find in him the continent of what part a gentleman would see. The King, sir, hath wager'd with him six Barbary horses: against the which, he has impawned, as I take it, six French rapiers and poignards, with their assigns, as girdle, hangers, and so: three of the carriages, in faith, are very dear to fancy, very responsive to the hilts; most delicate carriages, and of very liberal conceit. Ham. What call you carriages?
Orsic. The carriages, Sir, are the hangers.
Ham. The phrase would be more german to the matter, if we could carry cannon by our sides.
Osric. The King, Sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes between yourself and him, he shall not exceed you three hits; he hath laid, on twelve for nine; and it would come to immediate trial, if your lordship would vouchsafe the
GLENALVON TO NORVAL.
You wrong yourself, brave Sir; your martial deeds
Above his vet'rans of famous service.
Let me, who know the soldiers, counsel you,
Give them all honour: seem not to command;
Else they will scarcely brook your late sprung power,
SWIFT'S RECIPE TO MAKE AN EPIC POEM.
For the Fable, Take out of any old poem, history, book, romance, or legend, (for instance, Geoffery of Monmouth, or Don Belianio, of Greece,) those parts of the story which afford most scope for long descriptions. Put these pieces together, and throw all the adventures into one tale. Then take a hero, whom you may choose for the sound of his name, and put him into the midst of these adventures. There let him work for twelve books; at the
end of which you may take him out ready to conquer, or to marry; it being necessary that the conclusion of an epic poem be fortunate. For the Machines, Take of deities, male and female, as many as you can use; separate them into two equal parts, and keep Jupiter in the middle. Let Juno put him in a ferment, and Venus mollify him. Remember on all occasions to make use of volatile Mercury. If you have need of devils, draw them from Milton; and extract your spirits from Tasso. When you cannot extricate your hero by any human means, or yourself by your wits, seek relief from heaven, and the gods will help you out of the scrape immediately. This is according to the direct prescription of Horace in his Art of Poetry, who observes, that
"A Poet has no occasion to be at a loss
When the gods are always ready at a call."
For the Descriptions, as a tempest, for instance, take Eurus, Zephyrus, Auster, and Boreas, and cast them together in one verse; add to these, of rain, lightning and thunders, (the loudest you can get) quantum sufficit. Mix your clouds and billows, till they foam, and thicken your description here and there with a quicksand. Brew your tempest well in your head, before you set it a-blowing.
For a Battle, pick half a dozen large handfuls of images of your lions, bears and other quarrelsome animals, from Homer's Iliad, with a spice or two from Virgil. If there remain an overplus, lay them by for a skirmish in an odd episode, or so. Season it well with similes, and it will make an excellent battle. For a burning town, if you choose to have one, old Troy is ready burnt to your hands, &c.
Now see, when they meet, how their honours behave;
For all the world, captain, not half an inch farther—
My humble respects to my lady unknown
I hope you will use my house as your own.
SIR GILES OVERREACH, ON HIS DAUGHTER'S SUPPOSED MARRIAGE WITH LORD LOVEL.
PART OF THE ORATION OF DEMOSTHENES ON THE CROWN. Hear me, ye immortal gods! and let not these their desires be ratified in