1799. Diary and Correspondence continued. April 5. Through mercy I still live, aud am able to testify of the great goodness of my God and Saviour. On Sabbath morning, the 31st of March, soon after public worship began, especially during the first prayer, I felt much engaged with the Lord. My whole soul flowed out in strong desire for some peculiar blessing, of which I stood much in need. While the speaker expounded from the first five verses of the iid chapter of the Revelations, especially the fourth verse, where the Lord Jesus, after mentioning his knowledge and approbation of what was still good in the church of Ephesus, charges them with having left their first love; I felt involuntarily led to examine myself on this head, as in the presence of God, and thought I found some reason to conclude I had not. Yet, fearing to trust my own conclusions in such an important matter, I begged the Lord to let me know, from himself, how that solemn business stood. In a moment or two, these words seemed spoken to my heart, by the Lord Jesus:-"O woman, greatly beloved, fear : not." Dreading delusion, I feared to receive them, but still they were repeated again and again, with such power, and accompanied with so much love, I durst not reject them. With them I seemed also to obtain such an additional hold of Jesus, as I can by no means express. Many powerful renewals of this gracious visit I was favoured with, through that and the following day, and with each, a heaven of love filled my heart, and, I trust, a measure of humility was not unfelt especially on Monday evening, I was lost in wonder, love and astonishment, that the adorable Saviour should so condescend to a poor unworthy creature. It is mystery all! O who can fathom the depth of redeeming love! Almost every day this week I have proved some of his goodness. O that it may be permanent, and, by sovereign aid, purifying! and also, a continual stimulus to activity and zeal in the cause and ways of my God. I see, I feel, how short I am; but in a moment he can work a great work. Come, Lord Jesus, and lay every aspiring mountain low; and reign the Lord of every motion of my heart. How willingly shall I obey. May 24. I feel more of a spirit of prayer: I see more of the loveliness of Jesus; of his immense value; of the heaven there is in his love. Had I ten thousand worlds, how willingly would I give them all to feel my heart brim-full of his pure love; to have him reigning in it; occupy. ing all space; bringing every thought into captivity to himself. Surely, Lord, these insatiable desires must be from on high. Wilt not thou, then, fulfil them ? Come, O my God, and not only do this, but "do exceedingly above all I can ask or think" for how limited my petitions-how scanty my thoughts! Since the 17th my comforts have not been so rich and strong as often they are; yet have cause to be thankful for many mercies. On Monday evening, at the prayer-meeting, the Lord seemed to shine on his work in my soul, so as to cause me to think he had done more for me than of which I am always sensible. It is only in his light we can see and know the things freely given us of him. On Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, he gave me repeated opportunities for the spiritual benefit of my fellow-creatures, especially in the higher walks of life. I omitted last week mentioning a large opportunity given me, that occurs only annually : the examination of my week-day school in Edinburgh; united with prayer, praise, and a most appropriate exhortation to the scholars then dismissed, fully taught. They receive cach a Bible, with their name upon it, and a single weighty sentence marked under it, as pronounced by the minister, who delivers it; also, an address is given to those scholars who are then to enter, and to those that remain. About sixty children were present, besides grown people. My God, give me the souls of all that have been, are now, or ever shall be in that school. O that I may meet them all on the right hand, at the great day of decision! They now amount to four hundred and eighty nine. My God I found sweetly present with us. On Thursday, as usual, he condescended to meet with us of a truth, and renewed my strength, exhausted before by two hours close conversation with one, who seems to be athirst for present salvation—for living wholly for and with God.. Blessed Lord, let none turn her out of thy way: help her to press on in the good way. Though weakness itself, yet, gracious God, put thy words in my mouth on every such occasion; then, speaking under an unction from on high, it shall be in the demonstration of the Spirit and with power. I long to be more useful. Indulgent Lord, grant my request; and take the glory of all, and make me more thankful for thy past goodness. On Wednesday evening, my God was, in straits, a present aid. Supposing danger was nigh, I felt desirous to shun it, and cried unto the Lord, who, in a moment, sent these words. with sweetness, and a degree of power, so as to calm my fears, and enable me to adore his goodness; "What time I am afraid, I will put my trust in thee." O to be more grateful! July 5. My Christian experiences for these eight days past are very similar to the preceding week, nothing worthy of remark. Only upon the whole, I find myself strengthened for duty, in body and mind, and fitted for what I was called to. On Monday morning, in secret prayer, the Lord corrected a mistake I have sometimes of late made, in pressing after every new cove-nant blessing, namely, allowing a vehement desire after what I have not yet attained, to make me overlook what I had, through mercy, obtained; thereby lessening present enjoyment, and endangering a degree of impatience. My God shews me, as he has done formerly, the most excellent way is, that while pleading in a meek and patient spirit, faith must be exercised; the heart opened for present reception; believing the Lord is willing now to give, for Christ's sake, what is asked. Attempting this, I quickly found an increase. Jesus was ready to enter, and did pour himself into my heart. In the evening, at the prayer-meeting, I found the Lord owning me much; blessing me with sweet consciousness of his presence; which greatly increased, when a select few were speaking of his dealings with their souls, as Christian prudence directed. Here, indeed, he seemed to bow the heavens and come down; the mountains, as it were, flowed down at his presence; my views of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, were clear, and impressive. I felt filled with wonder and love; yea, with what mortal language cannot express. Surely it was a taste of heaven; and I bless the Father, of Mercies it has often been renewed since; or I may rather say continued with me. It was a meal, in the strength of which, I have made many exertions. O my God, grant it may be the beginning of greater things than ever: I pant for a larger sphere of usefulness: I would be ever either getting or doing good: I would, but thou must give the power. On Wednesday even |