CHAPTER III.

Mr. Hallock begins to think of preaching the Gospel.-Commences preparatory study.-Severe trial at Northampton.-Return to the farm.--Pleasant reflections.-Resumes his books.-Makes a profession of religion.-State of his heart.-Activity and usefulness in the church. -Resolutions.

MR. Hallock's narrative continues: "I would here notice, that, for several months, I had had almost a constant impression of my having a call to be a preacher of the Gospel, and a strong desire to be thus employed, if the will of God. Several of my friends mentioned the thing to me, and asked me if it was not my duty to devote myself to the Gospel ministry; some, to encourage me, made me small presents.

"In April, 1780, I went to Northampton, to see Mr. Dwight, now president of Yale College, to know if I could attend his school the ensuing summer. The twentieth of May was the noted dark morning.* While others around me were terrified, I do not know that I felt the least agitation, but spake to them concerning Jesus. In the afternoon we had a meeting, and I addressed them with unusual freedom -the attention of the people was greater than common. May twenty-fifth, I began to study with Mr. Joseph Barker who was preaching in Goshen, as a

* Mr. Hallock here refers to what has been called, in the Eastern States, "the dark day." It was a time of general consternation-the sun, from some unknown cause was so far obscured, that the light of candles was needful.

candidate. My board was given me by the neighbors. About this time, I had, I think, rather a greater sense than common of the wickedness of my heart, the temptations of this world, and my exposure to be overcome by them; also, of my absolute dependence on the Lord, and that if saved it must be all of free grace.

"On the ninth of June I wrote thus: Things do appear more clear than they did. Blessed be God for it, forever and ever. O my soul, praise the Lord, and call upon his name; O praise him, while you have strength to move.' I was now much in the habit of writing a sort of verse, like the following, which I find written in my diary on the twenty-first.

'I am a sinner, and most vile

Of all the human race,

Lord, wash away my sins, I pray,
By thy free, sovereign grace.'

"On the seventh of August, I went to Northampton and joined Mr. Dwight's school. I was one of the oldest scholars, and yet the most deficient in learning. My mind was seriously impressed; the school in general were light and vain. The dry study of the Latin was also a great trial to me; for I wished to spend my whole time in reading the Bible and other religious books, in connexion with other spiritual duties."

Mr. Hallock, afterwards, in conversation with his brother, remarked, that he could not study Virgil with interest and delight, because there was nothing

in that heathen author about Christ. His narrative

proceeds:

"My health, at the same time, failing, it was not long before I sunk away into the most distressing melancholy,―soon became entirely discouraged and went home, with a view to be a farmer, if God should spare my life, despairing of ever being a minister of the Gospel. The distresses of these days and weeks, no one can have any idea of, except by experience. My soul hath the bitterness of that season still fresh in remembrance. The laughing

school cared nothing for me, neither did the stupid world. I knew that my friends would be mortified to have me return discouraged. I was like one aloft, on a rolling pole, and on the verge of destruction. I was ready to conclude, that all was against me as a Christian, and trembled for fear I should become an apostate. But, he who pitieth the afflicted and heareth the cries of the distressed and helpless, kept me in this dreadful day from total despair and utter ruin, and praised be his name. To the Lord Jesus I made my sorrows known, and looked for relief. I greatly feared, that, having given up all idea of the ministry, I should soon get buried up in the world, and care nothing about religion."

In this state of discouragement he returned to the business of husbandry, and, for about three months, his studies were suspended. Of the state of his mind, in the time, he gives the following account:

"My mind became more calm, and, contrary to my dismal fear, I found, that, though I had given up all hope of the ministry, yet, if ever I loved reli

gion, I loved it still. This, instead of destroying my hope, strengthened it. On the seventh of September, I wrote: Things appeared to me more clear to-day-my soul seemed to long after God-his people and his kingdom still appeared lovely.' After bitter complaint of coldness, worldly-mindedness and the like, I find written, November fourth: 'Last Wednesday night, I experienced a great revival of religious feeling,-whether true or false God knoweth, I felt grieved to see or hear any thing done against the ministers of Jesus, and I think they looked beautiful for their work's sake. I also felt a desire to be made, though unworthy, an instrument of the glory of God and of good in the world.' In the forepart of December, my hope, respecting the Gospel ministry, began to revive, and on the fifteenth of this month, I went to school again to Mr. Barker. After writing, December ninth, 'It appears to me, that I am the most ignorant, and that I never shall be fit for any service in the world,' are these lines:

'Though I am dark, yet Christ is light,
Though I am weak, yet Christ is strong,
And he can give me heavenly light,

And in his service make me strong."

Mr. Hallock spent the next year in the study of Latin-part of it at Northampton, in the academic school of the late Dr. Dwight. He afterwards pursued his studies, for about eighteen months, with Rev. Mr. Strong, of Williamsburgh.

"On the eighth of March, 1781, I made a public profession of Christ, and united with his church in

Goshen. Among the things I then wrote are these words: 'O, the solemn oath that I have made this day. O that God would give me grace to live according to my promise, that I might so walk as not to bring a reproach upon the religion of his dear Son.' In September, 1782, when I suppose I was fitted for college, I felt for some time unwell, and was threatened with serious illness. I then wrote: 'Dark symptoms of sickness seem very different from what they once did. They do not appear terrifying or awful, but more like friends than enemies, because they are many times used as instruments to open the way for saints to their Father's house. O Lord, search me, and try me, and leave me not to build upon a false foundation.' One thing, that greatly tried me for a year, was an unmanning bashfulness, so that sometimes I could hardly repeat my lesson. It attended me in prayer, and almost every kind of performance, and I greatly feared, it would effectually disqualify me for the ministry. I believe now, though I did not think so at the time, that it was owing to the state of my nerves, weakened by study.

"About this time, I began to make the following resolves, and, from time to time, continued to make them, according to my situation and the occurrences of my life. These I resolved to renew, once a week, unless unavoidably interrupted; which I have done, and I trust, to my spiritual profit.* Endeavoring to lean on the Beloved for strength to perform :

The reader will recollect, that Mr. Hallock wrote this account of his life in the years 1815 and 1821.