when I hear of the death of eminent servants doubt, was the means of bringing me into of the Lord, I long that their wisdom and the active and industrious habits, at a time when weight of their long experience may not die no sterling inward principle seemed to have with them; but that some memorial may have full rule, and when I was left very much to been left by them, for the instruction of those my own direction, and at my own disposal as who are still travelling on their wearisome to my pursuits. I have often felt that it was way. And surely, the very least of those a preservative at the time, and a stimulus to who strive to follow the Lord, have had some-exertion. I think I may add, of this little thing happen, or have made some reflection contrivance for self-government, as well as of worth leaving behind, for the encouragement many others which occupied my attention and benefit of such as survive them. I indeed about the same period, that they had their feel this practice of which I am speaking, to use, in awakening my mind to see the imporhave been, and still to be, the source of a re-tance of bringing self and sense into subjecnewed feast to me; and I seldom recur to tion; and however insufficient they were of some of the manuscripts and scraps which I themselves to effect the same, they neverthehave written, without precious feelings of gratitude, and desires after a patient continuance in well doing unto the end. Some of these which have been written in the very depth of affliction, seem to stir up my faith in the Almighty power, and animate me with fresh courage to endure all things, and to suffer, even unto the death of all that within, which would have its own way and will, and not the Lord's blessed will. Indeed I have been so aware and every desire after such things as were of the instruction to be derived, both from writing such small pieces, and from reading the productions of others in this way, that I dare not refuse, however little I desire it, to allow of these little scraps, the feeble tokens of divine favour, being made as public as any prudent person, after I surrender them up and go hence, may see right.*

less urged me forward to press after the knowledge and attainment of that, which is now, blessed be the Lord who hath showed this to me, experimentally found to be the only sure guide and leader. As far as these little relics show, how the wrestling seed struggled within me, and how tender and gradual were the leadings of the Shepherd of Israel, how the good seed seemed at times almost crushed,

truly desirable was at seasons very feeble and faint; so far they are indeed interesting to me, and excite feelings of gratitude as often as they are examined. These 'Accounts of Time' were begun in the fourth month 1814, [in the 17th year of his age,] and were left off about the eighth or ninth month 1816. The reasons for preserving them, apply equal

in the habit of drawing up; from which extracts will also be inserted in this book.

Fifth month,† 1814.-Some of the follow-ly I think to those weekly reports which I was ing reflections and remarks are taken from little books called Accounts of Time,' in which the hours of every day were accounted for, and the occupation which filled every individual hour of each day was put down. This was at all events an original design, if nothing better; but indeed it was of use, and no

* Under date of 1817.

It is proper to remark, that although the writer of the following pages had a birthright in the religious Society of Friends, yet he was not educated in the observance of those Christian testimonies to simplicity in dress, address and demeanor, into which the Spirit of truth leads. In consequence of this, the dates of his memorandums as far as the 4th of fourth month, 1817, are in the usual

fashionable style of the world. After that period they conform to the usage of Friends. The Editors have thought it best to make all the dates alike, and to give this explanation. A few other slight changes have also been made. The manner of his education will also account for the exercises he underwent in relation to a change of his dress; and his inemorandums on this subject evince the integrity and uprightness of a mind, deeply solicitous to make that change from purely conscientious motives, and in obedience to divine requi

sition.

VOL. VI.-No. 10.

Eighth month 8th.-I think I may say, that in proportion as I endeavour to do well, I feel that I am enabled to do so; that there is something within me that stimulates to good, that encourages me to persevere in what is good, and which even tells me what is good. O! may I ever listen to its silent but most important intimations, may I indeed follow that secret monitor within me, and both desire and walk worthy of its reproofs and persuasions.

Tenth month 16th.-I have within me a fountain that sends forth bitter and black waters; which instead of nourishing, tend to poison the signs of vegetation and fruitfulness that may spring up within me. Lord, make the waters of Marah sweet!

Eleventh month 20th.-I could wish to be able to discover those symptoms of religious habits within me, which appear where religion exists. I could wish that, as "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,” so those outward signs could be observed, which inevitably follow a devotional spirit within. O, that those evidences of true reli

49

gion were produced,—a sincere desire to promote the glory of God, and the good of man; a stimulating and energetic propensity to discourage vice and folly, though ever so disguised; and [that] my dispositions, affections, actions, words, and thoughts, might more nearly conform to the pattern which is set before me, even to Jesus Christ!

No date.-Domestic life presents many opportunities for the exercise of virtue, as well as the more exalted stations of honour and ambition. For though its sphere is more humble, and its transactions are less splendid, yet the duties peculiarly incumbent on it, constitute the basis of all public character. Perfection in private life is by far the more No date, probably about the same time as arduous attainment of the two; since it inthe last. How inconsitent, how frail, how volves a higher degree of virtue, to acquire depraved, how disposed to evil, and how un- the cool and silent admiration of constant and able to do right of himself, and by his own close observers, than to catch the undistinstrength, is that fallen creature, man! Every guishing applause of the vulgar. Men acday I see instances around me, of inconsist- customed to the business of the world, may ency, of weakness, of blindness, as well as of think it a mean occupation to be engaged in absolute wickedness, though often disguised the duties of a family. It is, however, only and palliated. But when I look to myself, by comparison that they are rendered, to a when I examine my own heart, I find sin mixing itself with almost every thing I think, or speak, or do not merely do I see evil thoughts lurking in my bosom, but I find them insinuating themselves into very many good motives, resolutions, and actions. How fully do I feel the force and truth of the Apostle Paul's expression, when he says, "I know, that in me, that is, in my flesh, dwelleth no good thing; for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good, I find not; for the good that I would, I do not; but the evil which I would not, that do I." It is not at remote intervals, that I perceive the effects of my own frailty, but at most times. Nor is the presence of sin confined to gay and giddy moments, or to hours of industry and employment, but even in my solitary and thoughtful periods; even in times when the heart should be most inclined to holiness, and devoted to the service of its Maker, even then are the intrusions of evil very frequent, the imagination often under little control, and the affections for the most part fixed on any thing but their right object.

Twelfth month 18th.-Be anxious and ever ardent in the work before you, even your own eternal happiness, and that of your fellow-creatures, to the glory of God. There is such danger, such liability, whilst in these frail bodies and in this wicked world, even to those seemingly the most confirmed among us, to slacken and decline, that on this head I cannot forbear suggesting a hint to myself, who am but just setting out on the arduous journey to Zion: I cannot help urging myself to beware of that destructive indifference and lethargy, which are and have been the ruin of thousands, in a religious sense; which would palliate the guilt and error of others, and excuse our own; which damp and chill any appearance of zeal in our neighbours, whilst they effectually, though gradually, quench any like disposition in ourselves.

superficial eye, petty and insignificant. View them apart, and their necessity, their importance immediately rises. How many daily occasions there are for the exercise of patience, forbearance, benevolence, good humour, cheerfulness, candour, sincerity, compassion, self-denial! How many instances occur of satirical hints, of ill-natured witticisms, of fretfulness, impatience, strife, and envyings; besides those of disrespect, discontent, sloth, and very many other seeds of evil, the magnitude of which is perhaps small, but for the guilt of which we shall most assuredly be judged. When we consider that private life also has its trials, temptations, and troubles, it ought surely to make us vigilant, when around our own fire-side, lest we should quiet our apprehensions, and cease from our daily watchfulness.

Prove your love and affection for your family, and your friendship and attachment for all your connections, by using, not partial, hypocritical, momentary acts of kindness, but one universal, constant, animated effort,—one sincere desire of rendering others happy, united with compassion for their sufferings, charity and candour for their errors, and forgiveness for their injuries.

Especially cultivate a benevolent disposition, an inclination rather to think and speak well than ill of those around, accompanied with that candour which exposes not the errors, but rather the virtues of others to view; and which brings to light, with regret, their failings, for no other end than their suppres sion.

First month, 1815.-Business, in its proper sphere, is useful and beneficial, as well as absolutely necessary; but the abuse of it, or an excess in it, is pernicious in many points of view: I cannot approve, in very many respects, of the intense degree of application and attention, which seems often to be requi red of those that are in business.

There is one danger to which the man of business is particularly exposed, and which is the more alarming, because it is concealed,-I mean the danger of gaining a worldly spirit, and of losing that tenderness of conscience, that love of religion, which is the ground of all virtuous conduct. The person who is engaged in worldly affairs, whether the sphere of his engagements be large or small, should be most anxiously attentive to his eternal interests, that they also may be kept in a flourishing, profitable condition; if this be not the case, the saying of William Penn is true in regard to such a one; "He that loses by getting, had better lose than gain." He should also be very jealous of his scanty leisure, that he may not omit to employ some of it in his daily duties to his Maker, and in the constant cultivation of that holy frame of mind, which, it is the slow though sure tendency of the spirit of the world, silently to counteract. For I own I tremble at the very idea of any man's mainly pursuing his perishable interests, when perhaps in one short moment he is gone. How inconceivably terrible and exquisite must be that man's anguish, whilst on the very brink of going he knows not whither, to think that he has given up an eternity of bliss, for the empty grasp of that which is not.

15th. The following reflection is taken from a weekly report,' and was penned just previous to my attendance, by way of initiation into business, at my father's banking house:

29th. The very great benefit which may be, and which I trust is, derived from the system of self-examination that I have adopted, is more and more apparent to me every week. Every week have I to reprove, to exhort, to encourage, and to recommend, as it were to call in my accounts, and to ascertain the real state of my heart; whilst every week—yes, every day, gives me abundant cause for contrition and abasement. I am thus led to a more intimate knowledge of the state of my internal affairs, and of the filth which still lurks within: whilst I am rendered less confident in my own unassisted efforts, and more desirous to be strengthened in obedience.

Same date. Though I feel myself but a novice in serious subjects, yet further experience gives me fresh ardour and eagerness to seek after and attain to that knowledge, which alone "maketh wise unto salvation." The more time and attention I devote to religion, the more I feel persuaded of its unspeakable importance. There is no pursuit in life, whether of philosophical, literary, commercial, or worldly nature, which can be compared with the pursuit of religion, in respect to the peace and joy, the profit and the pleasure, which it yields to the willing mind. The immediate good effects of it, are only exceeded by its ultimate consequences. In prosperity the true Christian is taught to be watchful and humble, and to consider that "the Lord hath given, and the Lord can take away." In adversity, how happy he is, if he do but remember, that "this also is the Lord's doing." In all that he does, his design is ever to do good,—his motive the glory of his Maker.

Same date.-O! Lord, thou hast been pleased to bruise me with a sense of my own iniquity; thou hast in some degree opened to me my own heart: deliver me in thine own time and way, from under the burden of my transgressions: still continue to show me thy loving kindness, and to direct me onward in the path that leads to salvation. I know not, and it is better, O Lord! that I know not, in what condition or situation to-morrow's light may find me; nor can I see before me: yet I pray thee, if I do forget or forsake thee, O! forsake me not utterly, for thy mercy's sake.

What an eventful period is this, what an epoch in my life! When I look back upon the past, when I review the calm and sequestered hours which have been so graciously granted me, and which I have so happily enjoyed, I cannot help concluding, that the same Almighty hand, which has hitherto upheld me, will be "stretched out still." And when I cast my eye forward to the future, to that dark and dreary scene, that chaos of troubles and perplexities, which human life for the most part discloses, I remember with consolation the expressions of the Apostle, "We know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens." The time that has already elapsed, seems to be a season of preparation mercifully allotted Second month 5th.-May I not neglect to me, in order to qualify me for the part or delay to take such effectual measures, which I am henceforth to act; and those prin- as may certainly lead me to the attainment ciples, which I have stored, must now with of a firm belief in the salvation brought about assiduity be put in practice. The greatest by the Saviour of men. May I not be satisdiscretion employed at this first setting out in life, will not be sufficient to direct and keep me in the right path, unless accompanied with distrust in myself, and a corresponding confidence in divine assistance.

fied with an historical acquaintance with these things, nor be content with what others may say, write, bear witness of, or believe in, respecting a Redeemer; but may I be encouraged, like Thomas the Apostle, to see and

feel for myself; and may I make an availing use of every opportunity, every appointed means to gain the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus and him crucified; that intimate knowledge and inward experience, compared with which, Paul counted all things else but as "loss" and dross. Surely, such as are "kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation," are none but those, who have submitted themselves to the government and dominion of Christ by his spirit in their hearts; and these truly know him to be their Redeemer.

wilt thou despise the riches of his grace, and reject his offered and extended salvation? How long wilt thou in words acknowledge, and in very deed deny, him? How long wilt thou in praises and in prayers draw nigh unto him, whilst in the particular conduct of every day thou dost abuse his gifts, forget and forsake the giver?

19th.-O! how transient is that momentary glimmer-that faint and feeble spark, which at intervals, seems to rekindle and revive in this poor, frail tenement of mine! How soon is it quenched and smothered; how quickly does it disappear, and leave me cold and cheerless! What apathy, what indisposition and insensibility to the beauty of eternal things, does the absence of this glorious light leave in the soul, which longs for the arising of the Sun of righteousness; for the appearance of that "which shineth more and more unto the perfect day!"*

26th.-Blessed be the Lord! I think that I am in some small degree enabled to trust and believe, that there has been some little growth and advancement in lowliness and meekness, which are the ground-work of true wisdom. How shall I sufficiently express what I feel, when I look upon myself, when I consider what and where I have been, and who He is, that has lifted me out

12th.-O! for that prevailing seriousness, that habitual state of dependence, humility, and gratitude, as in the sight of the Supreme Being; that disposition of mind which inclines to "pray without ceasing," "in every thing to give thanks," and to "avoid every appearance of evil." These symptoms of a soul that "walks with God," have been indeed greatly wanting. Although the outward tokens of a religious life, may have continued much the same as before; yet have I to acknowledge and lament a general tendency to indifference and coolness, with respect to religious matters, as well as a neglect and forgetfulness of Him, whose right it is supremely to reign in the hearts of his people. How often is this half and half-this lukewarm temper, which loves the Lord with divided af- of the mire, and rescued my soul from defection, the beginning of more flagrant trans-struction. gression. But may I not be discouraged; rather may I remember that He, who by his reproving witness has discovered to me this evil, has done so that I should through his assistance subdue it; and that he will by no means withhold that strength, which will en-yearly meeting for the first time, this year, able me to do so.

CHAPTER II.

SIXTH month, 1815.-I have attended the

through all the sittings, and have had very much satisfaction therein; especially in observing the consistency which seems to run through the conduct of the business coming under the care of Friends. This was to me a very favoured time, and my soul was reached wonderfully by the visitations of the day-spring from on high. Though I have but little to remark, either on the subject of Friends or their discipline, I cannot help expressing how grateful I feel, for the blessing of being in some degree alive to serious impressions, and thirsting after knowledge of Truth.

When I look back at the long course and succession of blessings which have been experienced by me,-when I review the opportunities which I have enjoyed of making the attainment of vital Christianity my constant study; and then see how very small has been my advance in religious principle and practice, I cannot help feeling extremely sensible of the long suffering and compassion of that Being, who has not merely heaped upon me, day after day, and year after year, innumerable outward blessings, but has in much mercy been pleased to rescue me from a state of hardened 2nd. How many are there who live in forgetfulness and abandonment of himself. a state of sin, of blindness as to their best He has opened a way to me, whereby I might interests, or of drowsy indifference! The escape that bondage to sin, which did at one more I seek to know the Lord and to retime nearly overwhelm me, and that punishmember his mercies, the more plainly and ment which would otherwise have inevitably clearly does he graciously manifest himself; overtaken me. He still continues his forbear- and the longer I meditate on his attributes, ance and his tender mercies, though I so often decline from the path which he has plainly *Second month 23d, was the first monthly meetpointed out. How long then, O! my soul, ling I attended; it was at Wandsworth.

a

the more firm is my conviction, that the ar-riously inclined, is, that he should not quench dent and heavenly desires with which he has or stifle in any manner the precious spark, favoured me, will not sleep in death, but will which the Lord in infinite compassion, has pass, uninjured by the wreck of nature, to kindled within him. O! let such an one do those hallowed and happy regions, where no- nothing which is likely to impede the growth thing will interrupt their enjoyment for ever! of this divine seed of grace within. Let not Ninth month 5th.-Surely one would think any deny to his own soul the nourishment the bitter cup, of which so many, so very which is to support it: for though the world many, of our fellow creatures have to drink, esteem him very lightly, and even ridicule ought to be enough to stop the dissipation of him, yet "if his own heart condemn him not, the gay, to check the extravagance and the then has he confidence towards God." avarice of the rich, to make the heedless No date. I am much displeased when I pause and the wicked to consider. For my see a person accommodating his character and own part, when I hear and see everywhere turn of mind to those among whom he is cast, around me, the affliction of the destitute, the changing his appearance according to the situcry of penury, the groan of sickness, and ation he is placed in. I see little apology for every extremity of anguish and trouble, both such persons in that saying of the Apostle, of body and mind, I cannot but exclaim,-"I am made all things to all men, that I might "What am I, that I should be blessed so by all means save some;" because such perabundantly above others in every sense? and sons omit the latter part of that text," and what ought I not to be, who am so eminently this I do for the gospel's sake." In those of favoured with almost every variety of earthly whom I speak, there is no intention by this vacomfort? How shall I dare to encourage or riable conduct to serve others, but rather to give way to pride, envy, passion, intemper- save and deliver themselves from the scandal,, ance of joy, or levity of heart, when in one odium, and reproof, likely to be cast by serishort day I may be deprived of every thing in ous people upon levity, folly, or sin, and by which I have outward comfort and confidence, the less sober upon any thing like sobriety. and in one moment may be levelled in the There is a consistency of character, which, dust from whence I came?" whilst it does not bring on religion the charge of moroseness and unyielding severity, yet does not deny its great Master; and which though it does not obtrude its opinions or practice upon the notice of others, is not backward to show decidedly, to which standard it belongs, and under whose banner it ranks.

22nd. There is that to be met with and felt, in the company of and intimacy with Friends, which is better experienced than described, a happy, serene, and calm temper, full of forbearance and love, and affection to all, and well seasoned with sober humility; such as elsewhere I have never been able to find.

Eleventh month.-"Simon, sleepest thou? Couldst not thou watch one hour? Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.' I have been more than once strongly reminded, of this short but very impressive expostulation of our Lord to his slumbering disciple, and of the salutary exhortation that follows it. I have thought how much need there is for every one of us, often to apply the same language to ourselves. O! how very few of us ever watch even one hour! And although I am willing to believe many do remember him, on whose extended mercy they every moment depend; yet this season is, I fear, but short, and the impression but transient. I cannot therefore help expressing my desire that every one of us may be enabled to stand continually in the fear of the Lord, to bear in mind our exceeding great liability to evil, and to depend not upon our strength, but upon the power of Him, through whose strength alone we can do valiantly.

No date; probably late in 1815.-The first thing that I would recommend to any one se

1815 or 1816.-Surely I ought to thank and praise the Lord for his abundant mercy in thinking of me; and especially in wounding my vain confidence and self-dependence: surely I am highly favoured by his numerous and heavy corrections. The worldly man, and the evil doer, and the indifferent nominal Christian, go on "fair and softly,"-they have, perhaps, few and slight troubles; but he whom the Lord visits and notices,—he whom the Lord deigns to regard and to prepare for himself, is purified in the fire of affliction, as silver seven times tried. Why then should I be troubled and disquieted? why not rather endeavour to co-operate with the Lord? since I know verily that it is for my good, to teach me from the consideration of the brevity of life, the uncertainty and instability of earthly things, the weakness and wickedness of my own heart, and the frailty of others; to teach me, I say, from these and other considerations, to press forward to the attainment of those things which will open unto me a way to peace and joy eternal, through Jesus Christ.

First month, 1816.-I am unexpectedly led