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Host. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear Keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now. - Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. [Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH.
Doll. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal is gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you. Host. Are you not hurt i'the groin? methought, he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.
Fal. Have you turned him out of doors? Bard. Yes, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him, sir, in the shoulder.
Fal. A rascal! to brave me!
Doll. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops: :- Ah, rogue! i'faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the nine worthies. Ah, villain!
Fal. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
Doll. Do, if thou darest for thy heart: if thou dost, I'll canvas thee between a pair of sheets.
Page. The musick is come, sir.
Sit on my
Fal. Let them play; - Play, sirs. knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue my troth, welcome to London. Aed from me like quicksilver.
Doll. I'faith, and thou followedst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting o'days, and foining o'nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?
Enter behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised
Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's head do not bid me remember mine end.
Doll. Sirrah, what humour is the prince of? Fal. A good shallow young fellow he would have made a good pantler, he would have chipped bread well.
Doll. They say, Poins has a good wit.
Fal. He a good wit? ang him, baboon! his wit is as thick as Tewksbury mustard; there is no more conceit in him, than is in a mallet.
Doll. Why does the prince love him so then? Fal. Because their legs are both of a bigness: and he plays at quoits well; and eats conger and fennel; and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons; and rides the wild mare with the boys; and jumps upon joint-stools; and swears with a good grace; and wears his boot very smooth, like unto the sign of the leg; and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories, and such other gambol faculties he hath, that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their avoirdupois.
P. Hen. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
Poins. Let's beat him before his whore.
P. Hen. Look, if the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.
Poins. Is it not strange, that desire should so many years outlive performance?
Fal. Kiss me, Doll.
P. Hen. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what says the almanack to that?
Poins. And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping to his master's old tables; his note-book, his counsel-keeper.
Fal. Thou dost give me flattering busses.
Doll. Nay, truly; I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
Fal. I am old, I am old.
Doll. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of them all.
Fal. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money on Thursday; thou shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come: it grows late, we'll to bed. Thou'lt forget me, when I am gone.
Doll. By my troth thou'lt set me a weeping, an thou sayest so prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return Well, hearken the end. Fal. Some sack, Francis.
P. Hen. Poins. Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing. Fal. Ha! a bastard son of the king's? — And art not thou Poins his brother?
P. Hen. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead?
Fal. A better than thou; I am a gentleman, thou art a drawer.
P. Hen. Very true, sir: and I come to draw you out by the ears.
Host. O, the lord preserve thy good grace! by
Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales?
Fal. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. [Leaning his hand upon DOLL Doll. How! you fat fool, I scorn you. Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge, and turn all to a merriment, if you take
not the heat.
P. Hen. Yes; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gads-hill: you knew, I was at your back; and spoke it on purpose, to try my patience.
Fal. No, no, no, not so; I did not think, thou wast within hearing.
P. Hen. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse; and then I know how to handle you. Fal. No abuse, Hal, on mine honour; no abuse. P. Hen. Not! to dispraise me; and call me — pantler, and bread-chipper, and I know not what? Fal. No abuse, Hal. Poins. No abuse !
Fal. No abuse, Ned, in the world; honest Ned, none. I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him :- in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend, and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; — none, Ned, none;-no, boys, none.
P. Hen. See now, whether pure fear, and entire cowardice, doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us? Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? or is the boy of
P. Hen. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
Fal. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence, and leave it unpicked. [Knocking heard.] More knocking at the door?
And lull'd with sounds of sweetest melody?
How now? what's the matter?
Bard. You must away to court, sir, presently; dozen captains stay at door for you.
Fal. Pay the musicians, sirrah. [To the Page.]— Farewell, hostess; - farewell, Doll.-You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after : the undeserver may sleep, when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches: If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.
Doll. I cannot speak ; — If my heart be not ready to burst: -well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. Fal. Farewell, farewell.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARdolph. Host. Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peascod time; but an honester and truer-hearted man, thee well.
Bard. [Within.] Mistress Tear-sheet,
Bard. [Within.] Bid mistress Tear-sheet come to my master.
Host. O run, Doll, run; run, good Doll.
Curling their monstrous heads, and hanging them
Enter WARWICK and SURREY.
And well consider of them: Make good speed.-
Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs,
And hush'd with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber; | Have you read o'er the letters that I sent you?
War. We have, my liege,
K. Hen. Then you perceive, the body of our
How foul it is; what rank diseases grow,
War. It is but as a body, yet, distemper'd;
K. Hen. O heaven! that one might read the book
War. Many good morrows to your majesty!
War. 'Tis one o'clock, and past.
K. Hen. Why then, good morrow to you all, my`
And see the revolution of the times
Too wide for Neptune's hips; how chances mock,
'Tis not ten years gone,
Since Richard, and Northumberland, great friends,
But that necessity so bow'd the state,
War. There is a history in all men's lives,
Such things become the hatch and brood of time;
King Richard might create a perfect guess,
Are these things then necessities?
Sil. You were called-lusty Shallow, then, cousin. Shal. By the mass, I was called any thing; and I would have done any thing, indeed, and roundly too. There was I, and little John Doit of Staffordshire, and black George Bare, and Francis Pickbone,
Though then, heaven knows, I had no such in- and Will Squele a Cotswold man, you had not four
such swinge-bucklers in all the inns of court again : and, I may say to you, we knew where the bonarobas were; and had the best of them all at commandment. Then was Jack Falstaff, now sir John, a boy; and page to Thomas Mowbray, duke of Norfolk.
Sil. This sir John, cousin, that comes hither anon about soldiers? I saw
Shal. The same sir John, the very same. him break Skogan's head at the court gate, when he was a crack, not thus high: and the very same day did I fight with one Sampson Stockfish, a fruiterer, behind Gray's inn. O, the mad days that I have spent! and to see how many of mine old acquaintance are dead!
To go to bed; upon my life, my lord,
SCENE II. - ·Court before Justice Shallow's
Enter SHALLOW and SILENCE, meeting; MOULDY, SHADOW, WART, FEEBLE, BULL-CALF, and Servants behind.
Shal. Come on, come on, come on; give me your hand, sir, give me your hand, sir: an early stirrer, by the rood. And how doth my good cousin Silence? Sil. Good morrow, good cousin Shallow.
Shal. And how doth my cousin, your bedfellow? and your fairest daughter, and mine, my goddaughter Ellen?
Sil. Alas, a black ouzel, cousin Shallow.
Shal. By yea and nay, sir, I dare say, my cousin William is become a good scholar: He is at Oxford, still, is he not?
Sil. Indeed, sir; to my cost.
Shal. He must then to the inns of court shortly: I was once of Clement's-inn; where, I think, they will talk of mad Shallow yet.
Sil. Your good worship is welcome. Fal. Fye! this is hot weather. Gentlemen, have you provided me here half a dozen sufficient men?
Shal. Marry, have we, sir. Will you sit?
Shal. Where's the roll? where's the roll? where's the roll? Let me see, let me see. So, so, so, so: Yea, marry, sir: Ralph Mouldy: - - let them appear as I call; let them do so, let them do so. — Let me see; Where is Mouldy?
Moul. Here, an't please you.
Shal. What think you, sir John? a good limbed fellow young, strong, and of good friends.
Fal. Is thy name Mouldy?
Moul. Yea, an't please you.
Fal. 'Tis the more time thou wert used.
Shal. Ha, ha, ha! most excellent, i' faith! things, that are mouldy, lack use: Very singular good! In faith, well said, sir John; very well said. Fal. Prick him. [TO SHALLOW. Moul. I was pricked well enough fore, an you could have let me alone: my old dame will be undone now, for one to do her husbandry, and her drudgery: you need not to have pricked me; there are other men fitter to go out than I.
Fal. Go to; peace, Mouldy, you shall go. Mouldy, it is time you were spent.
Shal. Peace, fellow, peace; stand aside; Know you where you are? For the other, si John: let me see; Simon Shadow!
Shal. Thomas Wart!
Fal. Is thy name Wart?
Fal. Thou art a very ragged wart.
Fal. It were superfluous; for his apparel is bunt upon his back, and the whole frame stands upon pins prick him no more.
Shal. Ha, ha, ha! - you can do it, sir; you can do it: I commend you well. Francis Feeble! Fee. Here, sir.
Fal. What trade art thou, Feeble?
Shal. Shall I prick him, sir?
Fal. You may but if he had been a man's tai lor, he would have pricked you. Wilt thou make as many holes in an enemy's battle, as thou hast done in a woman's petticoat!
Fee. I will do my good will, sir; you can have no
Fal. Well said, good woman's tailor! well said, courageous Feeble! Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove, or most magnanimous mouse.— - Prick the woman's tailor well, master Shallow; deep, master Shallow.
Fee. I would, Wart might have gone, sir.
Fal. I would, thou wert a man's tailor; that thou might'st mend him, and make him fit to go. cannot put him to a private soldier, that is the leader of so many thousands: Let that suffice, most forcible Feeble.
Fee. It shall suffice, sir.
Fal. I am bound to thee, reverend Feeble.. Who next?
Shal. Peter Bull-calf of the green!
Fal. Yea, marry, let us see Bull-calf.
Fal. 'Fore God, a likely fellow ! - Come, prick me Bull-calf till he roar again.
Bull. O lord! good my lord captain,
Fal. What, dost thou roar before thou art pricked? Bull. O lord, sir! I am a discased man.
Fal. What disease hast thou?
Sil. That's fifty-five year ago.
Shal. Ha, cousin Silence, that thou hadst seen that that this knight and I have seen! - Ha, sir John, said I well?
Fal. We have heard the chimes at midnight, master Shallow.
Shal. That we have, that we have, that we have; in faith, sir John, we have; our watch-word was, Hem, boys! Come, let's to dinner; come, let's to dinner: ;-- O, the days that we have seen! Come, come.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF, SHALLOW, and SILENCE. Bull. Good master corporate Bardolph, stand my friend; and here is four Harry ten shillings in French crowns for you. In very truth, sir, I had as lief be hanged, sir, as go: and yet, for mine own part, sir, I do not care: but, rather, because I am unwilling, and, for mine own part, have a desire to stay with my friends; else, sir, I did not care, for mine own part so much.
Bard. Go to; stand aside.
Moul. And good master corporal captain, for my old dame's sake, stand my friend: she has nobody to do any thing about her, when I am gone; and she is old, and cannot help herself: you shall have forty, sir.
Bard. Go to; stand aside.
Fee. By my troth I care not; -a man can die but once; - We owe God a death; - I'll ne'er bear a base mind: -an't be my destiny, so; an't be not, so: No man's too good to serve his prince; and, let it go which way it will, he that dies this year, is quit for the next.
Bard. Well said; thou'rt a good fellow.
Re-enter FALSTAFF, and Justices.
Fal. Come, sir, which men shall I have?
to free Mouldy and Bull-calf.
Fal. Go to; well.
Shal. Come, sir John, which four will you have?
Shal. Sir John, sir John, do not yourself wrong; they are your likeliest men, and I would have you served with the best.
Fal. Will you tell me, master Shallow, how to choose a man? Care I for the limb, the thewes, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man! Give me the spirit, master Shallow. Here's Wart; -you see what a ragged appearance it is: he shall charge you, and discharge you, with the motion of a pewterer's hammer; come off, and on, swifter than he that gibbets on the brewer's bucket. And this same half-faced fellow, Shadow,-give me this man; he presents no mark to the enemy; the foeman may with as great aim level at the edge of a penknife: And, for a retreat, how swiftly will this Feeble, the woman's tailor, run off? O, give me the spare men, and spare me the great ones. ——— Put me a caliver into Wart's hand, Bardolph.
Fal. These fellows will do well, master Shallow. God keep you, master Silence; I will not use many words with you: — Fare you well, gentlemen both: I thank you: I must a dozen mile to-night. Bardolph, give the soldiers coats.
Shal. Sir John, heaven bless you, and prosper your affairs, and send us peace! As you return, visit my house; let our old acquaintance be renewed: peradventure, I will with you to the court.
Fal. I would you would, master Shallow. Shal. Go to; I have spoke, at a word. Fare you well. [Exeunt SHALLOW and SILENCE. Fal. Fare you well, gentle gentlemen. On, Bardolph; lead the men away. [Exeunt BARDolph, Recruits, &c.] As I return, I will fetch off these justices: I do see the bottom of justice Shallow. Lord, lord, how subject we old men are to this vice of lying! This same starved justice hath done nothing but prate to me of the wildness of his youth, and the feats he hath done about Turnbullstreet; and every third word a lie, duer paid to the hearer than the Turk's tribute. I do remember him at Clement's inn, like a man made after supper of a cheese-paring when he was naked, he was, for all the world, like a forked radish, with a head fantastically carved upon it with a knife: he was so forlorn,
Bard. Sir, a word with you:- - I have three pound that his dimensions to any thick sight were invisible:
Fal. Mouldy, and Bull-calf:-For you, Mouldy, stay at home still; you are past service: and, for your part, Bull-calf, - grow till you come unto it; I will none of you.
Shal. He is not his craft's-master, he doth not do it right. I remember at Mile-end green, (when I lay at Clement's inn, - I was then Sir Dagonet in Arthur's show,) there was a little quiver fellow, and 'a would manage you his piece thus: and 'a would about, and about, and come you in, and come you in rah, tah, tah, would 'a say; bounce, would 'a say; and away again would 'a go, and again would 'a come: - I shall never see such a fellow.
he was the very Genius of famine; yet lecherous as a monkey, and the whores called him — mandrake: he came ever in the rear-ward of the fashion; and sung those tunes to the over-scutched huswifes that he heard the carmen whistle, and sware- - they were his fancies, or his good-nights. And now is this Vice's dagger become a squire; and talks as familiarly of John of Gaunt, as if he had been sworn brother to him; and I'll be sworn he never saw him but once in the Tilt-yard; and then he burst