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Speed. Madam Silvia! madam Silvia !
Val. How now, sirrah?

Speed. She is not within hearing, sir.
Val. Why, sir, who bade you call her?
Speed. Your worship, sir; or else I mistook.
Val. Well, you'll still be too forward.

Speed. And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.
Val. Go to, sir; tell me, do you know madam Silvia ?
Speed. She that your worship loves?

Val. Why, how know you that I am in love? Speed. Marry, by these special marks: First, you have learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms, like a malcontent; to relish a love-song, like a robin-redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a school-boy that had lost his A, B, C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you looked sadly, it was for want of money and now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that, when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.

Val. Are all these things perceived in me?

Speed. They are all perceived without you.

Val. Without me? They cannot.

Speed. Without you? nay, that's certain; for, without you. were so simple, none else would: but you are so without these follies, that these follies are within you, and shine through you; that not an eye that sees you, but is a physician to comment on your malady.

Val. But, tell me, dost thou know my lady Silvia?

Speed. She, that you gaze on so, as she sits at supper?
Val. Hast thou observed that? even she I mean.

Speed. Why, sir, I know her not.

Val. Dost thou know her by my gazing on her, and yet know'st her not?

Speed. Is she not hard favored, sir?
Val. Not so fair, boy, as well favored.
Speed. Sir, I know that well enough.
Val. What dost thou know?

Speed. That she is not so fair, as (of you) well favored.
Val. I mean, that her beauty is exquisite, but her favor infinite.
Speed. That's because the one is painted, and the other out
of all count.

Val. How painted? and how out of count?

Speed. Marry, sir, so painted, to make her fair, that no man

counts of her beauty.

Val. How esteemest thou me? I account of her beauty.
Speed. You never saw her since she was deformed.

Val. How long hath she been deformed?

Speed. Ever since you loved her.

Val. I have loved her ever since I saw her; and still I see her beautiful.

Speed. If you love her, you cannot see her.

Val. Why?

Speed. Because love is blind. O, that you had mine eyes; or your own had the lights they were wont to have, when you hid at Sir Proteus for going ungartered!

Val. What should I see then?

Speed. Your own present folly, and her passing deformity; for he, being in love, could not see to garter his hose; and you, being in love, cannot see to put on your hose.

Val. Belike, boy, then you are in love; for last morning you could not see to wipe my shoes.

Speed. True, sir; I was in love with my bed: I thank you; you swinged me for my love, which makes me the bolder to chide you for yours.

Val. In conclusion, I stand affected to her.

Speed. I would you were set; so, your affection would cease. Val. Last night she enjoined me to write some lines to one she loves.

Speed. And have you?

Val. I have.

Speed. Are they not lamely writ?

Val. No, boy; but as well as I can do them. - Peace, here

she comes.

SHAKSPEARE.

WILL IT BE A MATCH?

SPEED- LAUNCE.

Speed. Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Milan. Laun. Forswear not thyself, sweet youth; for I am not wel I reckon this always-that a man is never undone, till he be hanged; nor never welcome to a place, till some certain shot be paid, and the hostess say, welcome.

come.

Speed. Come on, you mad-cap, I'll to the ale-house with you presently, where, for one shot of five pence, thou shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how did thy master part with madam Julia?

Laun. Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very fairly in jest.

Speed. But shall she marry him?

Laun. No.

Speed. How then? Shall he marry her?

Laun. No, neither.

Speed. What, are they broken?

Laun. No, they are both as whole as a fish.

Speed. Why, then, how stands the matter with them? Laun. Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it stands well with her.

Speed. What an ass art thou! I understand thee not.

Laun. What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My staff understands me.

Speed. What thou sayst?

Laun. Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean, and my staff understands me.

Speed. It stands under thee, indeed.

Laun. Why, stand under and understand is all one.

Speed. But tell me true, will 't be a match?

Laun. Ask my dog: if he say, ay, it will; if he say, no, it will; if he shake his tail, and say nothing, it will.

Speed. The conclusion is, then, that it will.

Laun. Thou shalt never get such a secret from me, but by a parable.

Speed. 'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how say'st thou, that thy master is become a notable lover?

Laun. I never knew him otherwise.

Speed. Than how?

Laun. A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be.
Speed. Why, thou ass, thou mistakest me.

Laun. Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master.
Speed. I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover.

Laun. Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself in love. If thou wilt go with me to the ale-house, so; if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the name of a Christian. Speed. Why?

Laun. Because thou hast not so much charity in thee, as to ge to the ale with a Christian: Wilt thou go?

Speed. At thy service.

SHAKSPEARE

A WOMAN'S VIRTUES AND FAULTS.

SPEED-LAUNCE.

Speed. How now, signo. Launce? what news with your mas tership?

Laun. With my master's ship? why, it is at sea.

Speed. Well, your old vice still; mistake the word: what news then in your paper?

Laun. The blackest news that ever thou heard'st.

Speed. Why, man, how black?

Laun. Why, as black as ink.

Speed. Let me read them.

Laun. Fie on thee, jolt-head; thou canst not read.

Speed. Thou liest, I can.

Laun. I will try thee: tell me this: who begot thee?

Speed. Marry, the son of my grandfather.

Laun. O illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy grandmother

this proves, that thou canst not read.

Speed. Come, fool, come try me in thy paper.

Laun. There; and Saint Nicholas be thy speed.

Speed. Imprimis, "She can milk."

Laun. Ay, that she can.

Speed. Item, "She brews good ale.".

Laun. And therefore comes the proverb, -Blessing of your

heart, you brew good ale.

Speed. Item, "She can sew."

Laun. That's as much as to say, Can she so?

Speed. Item, "She can knit."

Laun. What need a man care for a stock with a wench, when she can knit him a stock?

Speed. Item, "She can wash and scour."

Laun. A special virtue; for then she need not be washed and scoured.

Speed. Item, "She can spin."

Laun. Then may I set the world on wheels, when she can spin for her living.

Speed. Item, "She hath many nameless virtues."

Laun. That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that, indeed, know not their fathers, and therefore have no names. Speed. Here follow her vices."

Laun. Close at the heels of her virtues.

Speed. Item, "She is not to be kissed fasting, in respect of her breath."

Laun. Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast.
Speed. Item, "She hath a sweet mouth."

Laun. That makes amends for her sour breath.

Speed. Item, "She doth talk in her sleep."

Laun. It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk. Speed. Item, "She is slow in words."

Laun. O villain, that set this down among her vices! To be slow in words, is a woman's only virtue: I pray thee out with 't, and place it for her chief virtue.

Speed. Item, "She is proud."

Laun. Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta'en from her.

Speed. Item, "She hath no teeth."

Laun. I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.
Speed. Item, "She is curst."

Laun. Well; the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.

Speed. Item, "She will often praise her liquor."

Laun. If her liquor be good, she shall: if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.

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Speed. Item, She is too liberal."

Laun. Of her tongue she cannot; for that 's writ down she is slow of of her purse she shall not; for that I'll keep shut. Speed. Item, "She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults."

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may be; I'll

Laun. Stop there; I'll have her: she was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article. Rehearse that once more. Speed. Item, "She hath more hair than wit,”. Laun. More hair than wit, it it. The cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt the hair that covers the wit, is more than the wit; for the greater hides the less. What's next?

Speed. "And more faults than hairs,"

prove

Laun. That's monstrous: O that that were out!

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Speed. And more wealth than faults."

Laun. Why, that word makes the faults gracious. Well, I'l have her and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible,

Speed. What then?

Laun. Why, then I will tell thee,

thee at the north gate.

Speed. For me?

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Laun. For thee? ay; who art thou? he hath staid for a better man than thee.

Speed. And must I go to him?

Laun. Thou must run to him, for thou hast staid so long, that going will scarce serve the turn.

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