ing down his history to the date of his license to preach the gospel :

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May 2. Was exceedingly weak through the day, both in body and mind, and was enabled to do little or nothing. Could only wish and sigh.

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May 3.

Sacrament. Had considerable flow of affections, but seemed to want clearness and spirituality. In the afternoon, was more dead and trifling. So far as I can judge from my feelings, have got little good by this opportunity. Felt deeply oppressed with guilt after meeting, but could not mourn over my sin, as I would fain have done, nor could I obtain any sense of divine love. But after a short time, my compassionate Saviour was pleased to melt my soul with a look of love, and I felt sweetly humbled and contrite for sin. Although I had carelessly let down my watch, yet in the evening he was pleased to return, and give me the sweetest humbling season I ever enjoyed. I never felt so vile, so insignificant, so like nothing, so emptied of self. And when I was thus empty, he was pleased to fill me with himself; so that I was burnt up* with most intense love, and pantings after holiness. Never before had I such faith and fervency in prayer. I was as happy as nature could sustain, and could only say-Blessed Jesus! this is thy work. See my happiness. It proceeds from thee! This is the fruit of thy travail of soul. Renewed my covenant, and gave up my whole soul, with all its powers, to God as my Father, Christ as my Saviour, and the Holy Spirit as my Sanctifier. Had another sweet season in prayer; but was assaulted by spiritual pride. I see frowns are necessary for me.

May 4. Was less favored this morning than last evening; but had some assistance. Was aided in writing, but greatly oppressed with pride and vanity, which made their attacks upon me in inexpressible shapes, while I could do nothing.

"May 5. Spent this day in the woods, in fasting and prayer, with a view to obtain mortification of my abominable pride and selfishness. Was favored with much fervency and enlargement the former part of the day, but was afterward much deserted; seemed to make no advances in holiness; to be of no advantage to the world, and unfit to live.

* This expression may at first glance strike the reader as extravagant; and yet, by consulting John ii. 17, he will find an almost exact parallel-The zeal of thine house hath eaten me up. So inwrought into Mr. Payson's mental habits were the Scriptures of truth, that he thought, breathed, and spoke, in their manner Those, however, will, or ought to be, the last to complain, who can resolve all the characteristic expressions and peculiar doctrines of the Bible into 'strong eastern figures."

"May 6. Had some freedom in prayer. Felt very feeble, and unfit for study; but, praying that Christ's strength might be made perfect in my weakness, I was helped to write more than usual.

"May 7. in my study, May 8.

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Out of order both in body and mind. Did little and had little freedom in prayer.

Had some life and fervency this morning; but was exercised with wandering thoughts. Could do little all day.

,

I

"May 9. Was much perplexed with some business with **** so that I could neither read nor pray, any more than I could remove a mountain. This was made useful to me. saw by it the weakness of my graces, and learned to judge more favorably of those Christians who are exposed to the temptations of the world. It showed me also my need of divine help more clearly than ever. Were I exposed to the same temptations, I should lose all sense of divine things without greater supports than I ever had.

May 10. Was very unwell, and could neither eat, read, nor pray. Was excessively melancholy.

*********

"May 11. Was still more oppressed with melancholy, and felt even more miserable. Was ashamed of my selfishness and ingratitude in despising the blessings God had given me. Remained very wretched, and unable to do any thing. In the evening, had some relief.

"May 12. Was, if possible, still more gloomy and depressed than yesterday. Seemed unfit to preach, and even to do any thing. Could only wander about from place to place, seeking rest, and finding none. In the evening, a person arrived from Marlborough, inviting me to come and preach four Sabbaths. After putting up a short but sincere petition, that I might not be left to my own guidance, and asking the advice of my father, I promised to go. Retired, and cast myself upon the Lord for support, with a deep sense of my own utter insufficiency.

May 13. Having set apart this day for fasting and prayer, with reference to entering on the work of the ministry, I sought the divine presence and blessing, in which I was much assisted. Renewed covenant with God, and gave myself up to him for the work of the ministry. Was helped to plead with far more earnestness than ever before, and, indeed, with as much as my nature could support, or was capable of, and this repeatedly during the day.

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May 14. Was very unwell, and apprehensive of a nervous fever. Could not read the most amusing books without wea

riness and distraction; and my body was so weak, that I could exercise but very little. Yet, by divine goodness, was preserved in a quiet, submissive frame.

"May 15. Was better, and had some sweetness in secret devotion. Went to see an old man who has been converted in his old age. Found him full of affection, and possessing remarkably clear views of God and divine things, though in other respects weak and illiterate. Was somewhat refreshed with his conversation.-P. M. Forced to make a visit, but helped to introduce religious conversation.

May 16. Felt very lifeless in the morning; but in secret prayer, it pleased God to enliven me. In the evening, was favored with equal, or greater degrees of fervency. My soul was suddenly humbled and broken for sin. I seemed to be much the least of all saints; and my very soul panted for God and holiness, as the hunted hart for the water-brook. Blessed

be God for this day.

"May 17. Sabbath, A. M. Very dull and lifeless; but in secret prayer, the cloud was removed, and I found unspeakable delight in drawing near to God, and casting myself upon him. Christ appeared inconceivably precious, and I longed, with most intense desire, to devote myself to him, and to be like him. I could not but rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory, to think that God in Christ was, and would be, infinitely and unchangeably glorious and happy. In Christ I beheld such fulness and sufficiency, that all my late tormenting fears respecting being qualified for the ministry, and assisted in it, vanished. In the evening, was overwhelmed with a view of my remaining corruptions, and espccially of my pride; so that I was in a perfect agony, and could scarcely support it. I was just ready to despair, and give up all future striving as vain; but I fled to Christ, and poured out all my sorrows into his bosom, and he graciously pitied me, and strengthened me with might in my soul. I found unspeakable relief in telling him all my sorrows and difficulties. Ó, he is wonderfully, inconceivably gracious!

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Was

May 18. Had very little freedom or fervency. perplexed with the scene before me, and could effect but little.

May 19. Went with my father to the Association, for the purpose of receiving their approbation to preach the gospel. Was exceedingly fatigued.

May 20. Was examined and approbated. Was so weak that I could scarcely stand; but was helped in some meas ure."

CHAPTER VI.

His first efforts as a preacher-His religious character further developed.

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HAVING been regularly introduced and recommended to the churches as a preacher, Mr. Payson proceeded, the next day, to Marlborough, to fulfil his engagement with the people of that place. Change of situation, however, did not interrupt his communion with God. On the way, his mind was engrossed with divine contemplations, and with the duties and responsibilities of that new relation in which he now stood to the church and the world. During the time that intervened between this and the Sabbath, he was not without misgivings; as he complains of being almost discouraged and overwhelmed, in view of his unfitness for the ministry;' and once, of even wishing himself any thing rather than a minister.' 'could hardly conceive it possible, that one so inconceivably vile should be a child of God; but was nevertheless helped to cast his burden on the Almighty, and to agonize in prayer to be delivered from this body of death.' The Saturday next preceding his first appearance in the pulpit, he had 'resolved to spend in fasting and prayer;' but when the day arrived, his 'health would not permit.' The day on which a man first stands forth as the ambassador of God to his fellow men, is an important era in his life; but it had been anticipated with so much concern by Mr. Payson, that it seems to have been distinguished by no extraordinary strength of feelings. His own account of them is thus expressed :

May 24. Sab. Was favored with considerable fervency, life, and sense of dependence, this morning. Endeavored to cast myself wholly on the Lord for support. Felt thankful it was rainy. There were very few people at meeting; and I just got through without stopping. Spoke too fast and too low. Was a good deal depressed after meeting. In the afternoon, did a little better, but still bad enough. Was very much fatigued, and almost in a fever; but enjoyed some comfort after meeting."

His public engagements, important as he felt them to be, did not divert his attention from his own heart. On the contrary, personal religion continued to be a primary concern. Of this, as well as of the varied nature of his spiritual exercises, there is an accumulation of evidence :

May 28. Enjoyed a very unusual degree of sweetness and fervor this morning. O, how precious did Christ appear to my soul! How I longed to be a pure flame of fire in his service, to be all zeal, and love, and fervor! With what gratitude did I look up to him, saying, Blessed Saviour, behold how happy I am! and to thee all my happiness is owing. But for thee, I should now have been lifting up my eyes, being in torments. O, what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits! In the evening, in secret prayer, my soul was filled with unutterable longings and insatiable thirstings after God in Christ. I earnestly desired that all mankind might be as happy as I was; that they should all see what a glorious, amiable being God is, that they might love and praise him. Retired to rest with a clear, sweet, realizing apprehension of my Saviour's presence, and dropped to sleep in this frame.

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May 29. Enjoyed much of the same spiritual sweetness which I felt last evening; but was much exercised on account of pride, or rather love of applause, which was excited by some approbation which, I lately heard, was bestowed on my preaching. Strove with all my might to be delivered from this hateful temper, and cried for some time to my Supporter and Strength ever to grant me his grace to help. Recalled to mind that I had nothing which I had not received; that I had most wickedly and shamefully wasted, and neglected to improve my talents; that applause was commonly ill bestowed; and that the praise of men was of no worth compared with the approbation of God. By the divine blessing on these and other similar considerations, I was helped to overcome it. In the evening, was much assisted in prayer. Had a greater spirit of wrestling for the conversion of sinners than I ever had before."

He is often discouraged by the little which he accomplishes, and the selfish motives with which that little is defiled.' He is assailed by 'strong temptations, which drive him to his knees for assistance;' and by frequent recurrence of the same temptation,' which costs him long and severe struggles, before he is favored with complete victory.' This is followed

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