be left openly to dishonor the holy name by which I am called -my dear mother, how distressing!" "October 29. "These worldly comforts are nothing to the serenity and peace of mind with which I am favored, and the happiness arising from love, gratitude, and confidence. Even contrition and remorse for having slighted so long such infinite and condescending mercy, is not without a pleasing kind of pain. But I know this state of things is too good to continue long; and I hope I shall be enabled to take up with a much smaller number of the comforts of life without murmuring." In a letter, dated November 11th, he says, "The happiness I mentioned in my last, and in which you so kindly participate, I still enjoy, though diminished, in some degree, by an examination I have been making respecting some important but perplexing truths." Some weeks after this he wrote "I did not intend to say another word about my feelings; but I must, or else cease writing. I am so happy, that I cannot possibly think nor write of any thing else. Such a glorious, beautiful, consistent scheme for the redemption of such miserable wretches !such infinite love and goodness, joined with such wisdom !— I would, if possible, raise my voice so that the whole universe, to its remotest bounds, might hear me, if any language could be found worthy of such a subject. How transporting, and yet how humiliating, are the displays of divine goodness, which, at some favored moments, we feel! what happiness in humbling ourselves in the dust, and confessing our sins and unworthiness!" A solicitude for the spiritual welfare of others, which is among the early fruits of experimental religion, and one of the most pleasing evidences of its existence, was, in Mr. Payson, coeval with his profession of the faith and hope of the gospel. Of this his pupils, as was to be expected, were always the most interesting objects.-September 20th, he writes"Last Saturday, I gave my scholars six questions in the catechism, and a hymn to commit to memory on the Sabbath; and, on Monday morning, after hearing them recite, I lectured them on the subjects about three quarters of an hour. They paid strict attention. It is, however, discouraging to attempt any thing of this kind, and a most lively faith alone can make it otherwise. Is it not astonishing, that those who have a just sense of the importance of religion are not more earnest in recommending it to others? One would suppose they could hardly refrain from preaching to them in the The reason we do not is, we have not a just sense streets. of it." "October 29. "I hope your narrative-for which I thank you-will have a tendency to stir me up. I feel a strong and abiding impression on my mind, that all the good I enjoy my friends were stirred up to pray for; and I hope I and my scholars shall reap the advantage of them in this case. When I look at them, and reflect how many dangers they are exposed to, what bad examples even the parents of many set them, and how few hear any thing like religious instruction, I cannot express my feelings. Lately I feel a great flow of words when addressing them; however, it is just like speaking to dry bones, unless a divine blessing assist.-If I could be the means of doing good only to one, what transport! Thank God, it does not depend on the means, but on himself; otherwise I should give up in despair." "January 15, 1806. "This morning I was highly favored in speaking to my scholars. I spoke nearly three quarters of an hour with some earnestness, though not so much as I could have wished. Except once, I have felt a very considerable share of freedom on these occasions. Your mentioning that you were enabled to pray for a blessing on these poor endeavors has been a great encouragement to me. They are attentive, and a very perceptible difference has taken place in their attention to their studies. I hope that, sooner or later, they will become attentive to more important pursuits. I am almost afraid to write even to you, my dear mother, on these subjects, lest I should make some gross blunder, through my ignorance and inexperience. I have often observed, that persons who begin to read late in life are apt to think every thing they meet with in books as new to others as it is to them, and so make themselves ridiculous by retailing, as novelty, what every one knew before. In like manner, I am somewhat apprehensive of appearing to you, in mentioning my own feelings, as one who is detailing last year's news; for your ideas and feelings must be so far beyond mine, that it will require some patience to read my relations. However, I trust to your goodness, and hope you will remember, that many things, which are now 38 plain and common, were once dark and unusual to you. I am pursuing my studies pretty much at random, having no person to advise with." This anxiety for the souls of his fellow-creatures, marked his intercourse with associates of the same standing with himself. One of his valued companions in literary pursuits has furnished the following extracts :— "December 2, 1805. "There is no worldly blessing that is not heightened by religion, but none more so than friendship, whether it be between relatives by consanguinity, or those who are joined in marriage, or other friends. The idea of parting must imbitter the pleasure of the man of the world; but the Christian, if he has chosen his friends aright, may hope to enjoy their For society with more pleasure hereafter than he can now. this reason I never should choose a partner for life, whom I could not hope to meet beyond the tomb." "December 9. “You ascribe, my friend, too much to age and a cultivated mind, when you speak of them as inconsistent with a 'stupid blindness respecting futurity.' Sad experience shows that age the most mature, and minds the most cultivated, are too often under the operation of such a blindness. Who, among the walks of science, ambition, avarice, or pleasure, is not blind to his own mortality? Who is there that sees, that every hour of his life he infringes that law which says—' cursed is every one that continueth not in all things written therein to do them?' Who sees that his brittle thread of life is all on which he hangs over endless misery, and that, if any one of the many dangers to which he is exposed should be permitted to crush him, he would, in a moment, be the subject of despair? No age, no improvement of the mind, will make us see these truths to be such. We may assent to them, but our conduct shows we do not believe them. You do not yet, my friend, know the difficulty of the task. Consider, first, that the divine law extends to the thoughts, and that it makes no allowance for human infirmity, and then shut yourself up alone, out of the reach of temptation, and try for one hour to be innocent, and you will find, by the numberless foolish thoughts and vicious propensities arising in your mind, that it is no easy thing to be negatively good. When, in addition to this, you consider that sins of omission are equally fatal with sins of commission, you must certainly, if you know any thing of your own heart, give up in despair. I write this not to discourage you, but to urge the immediate commencement of a work so difficult and so important; but still more to induce you to apply to One who can give you strength, and will give it, if asked for in a full conviction of your own weakness. You know nothing of your own heart; and, though you may not assent to this now, the time, I hope and trust, will come, when you will assent to it. You may not now believe that naturally, like all others, you are an enemy to God and his goodness-but you must assent to it." "May 8. "Take my word for it, there is inexpressibly more enjoyment in religion, in this life, than the most happy sinner since creation ever had to boast of. It appears gloomy at a distance, but, the nearer it approaches, the more delightful it becomes. You know that I am of a social turn, that I enjoy, or did enjoy, amusements about as well as others did, and that I have no particular reason for flying from them. You know, too, that I love you, and would promote your interest to the extent of my powers. You may then consider me, if you are so disposed, an impartial witness that the ways of Wisdom are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths peace. I hope and believe that your own feelings may attest the truth of my testimony. That you may know more and more of it, is the sincere prayer of your friend." "July 7. "I dare pledge any thing most dear to me, that, if you persist in the diligent use of the means suggested, you shall not long use them in vain. But, what is infinitely more to the purpose, you have the oath of him who cannot lie, on which to ground your hopes. You have nothing to do but to ask for faith; to come, as the leper did to our Saviour while on earth, and throw yourself at his feet with Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean;' and rest assured that he will put forth his hand and say 'I will; be thou clean.' He is still as able and as willing, to grant every request of this nature as he was on earth. If you really feel yourself a sinner, and that you have no power to save yourself, and are willing to accept of him as a Saviour, he is ready to receive you. Do not wait, before you accept his offers, to render yourself worthy of his favor by going about to establish a righteousness of your own. He will not be a half Saviour. He will do all or nothing. If vou mean to come to him, you * * * * * must come as a helpless sinner; not as the Pharisee, with a list of virtuous deeds performed, but as the públican, with— 'Lord, be merciful to me a sinner.' Scarcely two months had elapsed from the time he made a public profession of religion, before Mr. Payson felt his mind embarrassed in relation to the doctrines of the Bible as understood by Calvinists. The first intimation of this perplexity is in the following words :— "I have lately read Cole's Discourses. It is a very comfortable doctrine for the elect, but not so for the sinner. My feelings say it is true, but reason wants to put in an oar. It is at once encouraging and discouraging to ministers." He afterwards expresses himself more fully on this subject, and in a manner which shows that he did not take his religion upon trust, but that his subsequent firm adherence to the doctrines of grace was the result of impartial examination. * * * * * * "I mentioned in a former letter, that I had been reading Cole. Since that I have studied, with considerable attention, Edwards on the Will, and his treatise on Original Sin. I know not what to do. On one hand, the arguments in favor of Calvinism are strong; and, what is more to the point, I feel that most of them must be true; and yet there are difficulties, strong difficulties, in the way. I care very little about them, as it concerns myself; but to think that so many of mankind must be miserable, strikes me with disagreeable feelings. I wonder not that the unregenerate are so bitterly opposed to these doctrines and their professors, nor that they appear to them as the effects of blindness and superstition. Poor Dr. M. is sadly abused on this account, and the most consummate scoundrel in existence could not merit worse epithets than the clergy of * * * * * * heap on him. I find, however, that I have much clearer views of the grand scheme of redemption than I had; and, as it relates to myself, it appears a miracle of love and mercy for which I never can feel, comparatively speaking, any gratitude. But, with respect to others, it does not appear altogether so excellent. I cannot, however, complain of any doubts of the truth of these points, more than I have of the truth of the Bible; but I cannot reconcile them. I should make poor work at preaching in my present state of mind, for I could neither advance such doctrines not let them alone. Thus I am perplex |