Now, whether she has ought to say or no, "Husband! husband! Mr. Drubbs! Mr. Drubbs! do you hear that are man insulting me?" "Yes, I hear him," replied he whom she addressed, chuckling, "but every word is God's truth tho', ha! ha! ha! Woman's tongue still on Sundays! no indeed, ha ha!" "And you laugh at me, do you; very well, Mr. Drubbs, very well, the day of reckoning will come as you well know." But as for you, Sir, (turning to the maniac) sich lan'gage is beneath a gentleman and my notice," and she made a fervent appeal to the "Eau de Cologne." "Pshaw! returned her theatrical antagonist: "Think you a little din can daunt mine ears? Have I not in a pitched battle heard Loud larums, neighing steads, and trumpet's clang? That gives not half so great a blow to the ear As will a chesnut in a farmer's fire?" "I wish I could say so from my soul," said Mr. Drubbs. “I jist tell you what it is, you Mr. Player;" cried the incensed Mrs. Drubbs: and in her rage, forgetting the band-boxes on her lap. and, very likely the place in which she was, she assayed to spring upon her feet; in attempting which, her head struck the stage top and caused her to rebound back again into her seat. "Pray you be seated;" said the alarmed maniac; "Reign! silence! on this odious din of war." "Oh! Lord! (exclaimed poor Mrs. Drubbs, puffing for breath) there, there now I-I have crushed my bonnet to pieces that jist gone a week, cost me 20 dollars-my head-my head-very well-Mr. Stroller-There's my comb too, ra'al turtle shell, smashed to pieces, and sticking in my head-Oh dear-my head-such conduct. No. (examining her bonnet) it isn't fit for a dog to look on, actually good for nothing. Look there Suke, (turning to her daughter) there lies the band-boxes, why dont you pick 'em up, you slut, do you want to vex me? don't try, or I'll find a way to trim you. Oh my head! my head! you may laugh Mr. Drubbs, but I tell you what it is, you Mr. actor man"- "Go on, my ears are open to thee" interrupted he to whom she spake-"I don't care whether your ears are open or not, you shall hear my say out, for-why you Suke, you hant picked up the band-boxes you jade." Here it becomes my painful duty as a careful narrator to disclose that Mrs. Drubbs, being, "exceeding" wrath at this want of obedience in her daughter, prepared to bestow upon her a "backhander" as it is called, and which for want of a more suitable expression, I am constrained to use. For the benefit of those of my readers, who are unacquainted with the term, be it known, that it is a blow of the hand, the manner of applying which is, by first making a circular movement of the arm to give the requisite force to the blow, and with a peculiar sling, to alight, the open hand, or fist, as may best suit the pleasure, or rather the anger of the castigator, upon the mouth, ears, head or cheek of the offender. Now, Mrs. Drubbs, as already intimated, prepared to inflict one of the said back-handers upon the mouth of her disobedient offspring; but she, aware perhaps of the mark of favour that was designed her, avoided the blow, and the dame's fist, (for she gave that the preference over the open hand) fell, with an alarming concussion on an old nail or screw, which, most unfortunately, jutted out from the side of the coach, and inflicted a deep wound in her hand. Indeed Fortune seemed de-. termined on making this trio the butt of some of her ugliest tricks, for Miss Suke Drubbs in dodging the blow, lost her equilibrium and fell with her head into the stomach (pardon dear and courteous reader the coarseness of the expression) of the young officer who sat opposite her. "Rise, rise my fair, This arm which brav'd a Douglass in the fight, Will in the jaws of death assert thy right." I need not mention by whom these words were uttered. "Oh! my caps, my caps and ruffles will all be ruined. Take care of my caps, you minx!" bellowed the invincible, and if it were not for the blood which streamed from her wounded hand, I should have thought, the invulnerable Mrs. Drubbs, "Sapperment," (cried the hitherto voiceles Hollander) "it is nonshense altogether, to be pringing such tings, and such disputes into de stage coach. Time enough all de year round (and here a volume of smoke was emitted) for such tings, I should tink."-" Nobody ax'd your 'pinion;" retorted Mrs. Drubbs; "if folks would mind their own business, it would be the best for them." To this censure, finding the case irremediable, mynheer gave a kind of assenting VOL. I.-No. II. 18 grunt, with the laconic and side long compliment, "de young 'un speaked right tho'." Mr. Drubbs kept a profound silence, while Mrs. Drubbs and her daughter began to employ themselves in replacing the boxes and their contents, in their pristine situations; the former lady making the following pathetic wail: "I wouldn't have minded my comb being broken, nor the hurts on my head, nor the indignities I have received, nor the loss of my old bonnet; but to have this new one, that I jist bought a week ago to make a display in New York, to have it ruined, totally ruined, oh! it it is more than human patience can bear, I shan't get one like it for love nor money." "Not for love I'll warrant me, for who can love the base Hyena;" said the maniac, with a look of proud disdain. The lady continued " It was at least No. 50, and pronounced by judges to be superior to any of the late importations; to loose it is indeed”—“ the unkindest cut of all," rejoined the facetious maniac. "I tell you for the first and last time," cried Mrs. Drubbs, it is a burning shame, for you to be acting so towards me, who can't claim the protection of her lawful protector, who"-"has a flinty heart, no tears can move him." But I wouldn't ax his help, if ever I lay hands on you out of this here hencoop, why”—“ we meet again at Philipi” cried the provoking lunatic. "A tiger cage I tink more like," groaned mynheer. Whether Mrs. Drubbs was silenced at last by her tormentors, (of which I am by no means convinced) or, whether she paused to meditate how she might best revenge herself on the several authors of her complicated evils, I know not, but she did not reply, and we were left for awhile to our own thoughts. The silence was broken by the maniac, who turning to the officer exclaimed; "Be thou blest in thy wife-the roses in the pride of May show pale to her for 'tis in woman alone to strew the path of life with flowers, 'tis she that shares the weight of our sorrows, and throws a double charm over the few moments of our felicity. And thou" continued he, taking the hand of the officer's wife; "remember, Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper, To painful labour, both by sea and land; And craves no other tribute at thy hand, I am asham'd that women are so simple, To offer war, where they should kneel for peace; When they are bound to serve, love, and obey." 66 Here he paused, and the officer's consort turned her beautiful countenance on her husband with an expression which seemed to say, "Thou knowest me."—I saw the officer tenderly press her hand in his own. We were all again under the influence of Angerona, when Miss Suke Drubbs, cried out: "Oh! ma, ma! the cats are fighting in the bag-ah-I can't hold 'em, ma—I can't hold 'em, ma-the'll get out-there they go❞—and out issued from the bag, (which, as my readers were informed at the commencement, held some kind of animals,) two cats, to the no small discomfiture of the company. Ejaculations, interjections, screaches and imprecations, were now poured forth on every side. "Angels and ministers of grace defend us!" exclaimed the lunatic. My child! my child!" cried the officer. "Donner and blitsen," roared the Dutchman. "Catch Tom and Jenny," cried Miss Drubbs. "Stop my pretty darlings, my pets! my pets!" vociferated Mrs. Drubbs. The two pets finding themselves, released from bondage, bounded amidst the shrinking passengers until they reached the stage windows, where they paused; cogitating, for aught I know to the contrary, on the best means of effecting an escape from "durance vile." The full torrent of Mrs. Drubbs's eloquence was now poured forth, accompanied by strenuous exertions to re-take the fugitives. Mr. Drubbs was charged, "on his allegiance," to grasp hold of Tom's tail and Jenny's leg; but he felt no inclination to do his wife's bidding. Indeed it was no longer necessary, for Mrs. Drubbs had already seized Tom by that glossy appendage commonly ycleped the tail, which as my readers doubtless know, every cat likes to keep in perfect freedom; and when we add to this the importance of the object for which Tom was now struggling, it will not be wondered at, that he should very unceremoniously bury his claws in the hands of our heroine. Now, although virtue can bear many a rude jostle in this wicked, unthankful world, yet, it will sometimes succumb under the weight of accumulated miseries. Thus it was with Mrs. Drubbs. The reader knows full well, with what exemplary patience she had borne the former afflictions and mortifications, of which this journey had been the fruitful source; but now that she saw her two favourites, simultaneously springing to the ground, thus breaking the bands of connection, and seeking liberty and happiness in their own way-when she saw them scamper away through a field of ripening corn, without one consolatory, parting whine-when she regarded the gash in her hand, the last token of Tom's affection: when, I say, she had made these several observations, her grief and vexation knew no bounds. She abused the passengers; railed at her “lord and master;" and bestowed, at intervals, many a hearty cuff on poor Suke, to whose negligence this accident was attributed. However, as passion cannot exist long without continual excitement; and as, whether from fear or compassion, it received no further opposition; the anger of Mrs. Drubbs was soon soothed into gentle soliloquies and complaints on those around her. I shall only quote the latter part of her last soliloquy, which was snuffled out in melancholy tone of voice. "Well, there's no gratitude in this here world, only for to think now, I used to give them their cat's milk, and meat every day with my own hands."-"Gratitude," struck in the maniac; "the philosopher's stone, or the perpetual motion were easier to discover." "There's nothing" (continued Mistress Drubbs in her former tone) I do believe, in this world but trouble and vexation". At this moment off came one of the wheels of the stage and -but I will conclude in my next. E. R. Lest our publishing the foregoing picture of connubial discord should give any occasion for the single-living tribe of gentlemen, to triumph over their married neighbours, we shall here present them with a matrimonal portrait of a different description, and one which, they may assure themselves, is more frequently to be met with in society, than they are apt to imagine. It was written by a gentleman of fine talents, and considerable experience in life, for the purpose of being read before a literary club, of which we had the honour to be a member. Several of the papers of that club were selected for publication, and this among others appeared in a periodical print, from the columns of which we now extract it. ED. A PORTRAIT OF MATRIMONY. "But happy they, the happiest of their kind, Their hearts, their fortunes, and their beings blend." It is generally acknowledged, that upon good or bad fortune in forming the matrimonial connection, depends the greater |