disposition, is made better. On the contrary, I fear they are worse than ever."

June 12, 1805.

"I find I have been trying to establish a righteousness of my own, though till lately I thought myself free from any such design. Hence arose all that unwillingness to perform the public and private exercises of devotion which I felt after any neglect of duty. I wanted, forsooth, to be encouraged to hope for an answer of peace by some merits of my own, and so felt unwilling to approach the throne of grace when I had been guilty of any thing which lessened my stock of goodness. In short, it was the same kind of reluctance which I should feel to approach a fellow being whom I had injured. And this, which I now see arose from pride, I fondly thought was the effect of great humility. Finding myself so deceived here, and in numberless other instances, I am utterly at a loss what to do. If I attempt to perform any duty, I am afraid it is only an attempt to build up a fabric of my own; and if I neglect it, the case is still worse.

"Since the period of my leaving home for Cambridge, it has appeared the most discouraging circumstance attending the spread of religion, that many who undertake to preach it are so shamefully negligent. Of this, my dear mother, you can form no just idea, un' less you have heard them. While their hearers are wishing and longing for spiritual food, they are obliged to rest content with cold, dry lectures on morality, enforced by any motives rather than evangelical. These

ministers content themselves, generally, with pruning off some of the most prominent excrescences of vice; they leave the root untouched, and cut off only the leaves. The more I think of it, the more difficult does the duty appear; and I tremble at the thought of incurring such a responsibility. I fear, however, that part of my reluctance arises from an indolent disposition, from an unwillingness to encounter the fatigues, the difficulties and dangers attending the performance of a clergyman's duty. I am afraid of conferring too much with flesh and blood."

The next notices which he has left of himself are found in a manuscript volume, written in characters which it has been a long and difficult work to decipher. The following are the first two paragraphs :

"July 25, 1805. This day, being my twenty-second birth-day, I have determined to commence a diary, as a check on the misemployment of time."

Same date. "Having resolved this day to dedicate myself to my Creator, in a serious and solemn manner, by a written covenant, I took a review of my past life, and of the numerous mercies by which it has been distinguished. Then, with sincerity, as I humbly hope I took the Lord to be my God, and engaged to love, serve, and obey him. Relying on the assistance of his Holy Spirit, I engaged to take the Holy Scriptures as the rule of my conduct, the Lord Jesus Christ to be my Savior, and the Spirit of all grace and consolation as my Guide and Sanctifier. The vows of God are upon me."

Subsequent entries in his diary show an ever-active desire to "pay the vows which his lips had uttered.'

He made strenuous efforts to redeem the morning hours from sleep, that he might enjoy an uninterrupted sea son for reading the Scriptures, and other devotional exercises; and, when he failed of this, he suffered much in consequence, and lamented it with deep feeling. His diligence in business, as well as fervor of spirit, are abundantly apparent from the account which he has given of the employment of every hour, frori four in the morning to ten at night.-In a letter to his parents, written on this anniversary, he speaks of having already "paid considerable attention to divinity," and of expecting, "in another year, to commence preaching, if he should feel competent to such an undertaking."

"MY DEAR PArent,

"Portland, July 25, 1805.

"This day, which completes my twenty-second year renews the remembrance of the numerous claims your continued care and kindness have on my gratitude and affection. To you, next to my heavenly Father, I owe that I exist, that I am in a situation to support myself, and, what is a still greater obligation, to your admonitions and instructions I am indebted for all the moral and religious impressions which are imprinted in my mind, and which, I hope, under God, will give me reason to love and bless you through eternity. How can I feel sufficient gratitude to the Giver of all good for blessing me with such parents! and how can I thank you sufficiently for all the kindness you have lavished upon me, as yet without return! But it shal be the study of my life to show that I am not utterly devoid of every sentiment of gratitude and duty. Par

don me, my dearest parents, for all the pain, the trou ble, and anxiety I have given you, and believe me while I promise never knowingly to be guilty of any thing to increase the uneasiness I have already occasioned you. I consider it as one of my greatest blessings, that I am now in a situation which prevents my being a charge to you, and which, besides, might enable me, in case of misfortune, to repay some small part of the kindness I have received. I, with all I do or may possess, am your property, for you alone put me in a situation to obtain it. And if there be any thing (as I doubt not there is) which could contribute to your happiness, in my power to procure for you, I most earnestly entreat you to let me know it; and if I do not with the utmost pleasure comply, cast me off as an ungrateful wretch, utterly unworthy of your kindness and affection."

Mr. Payson made a public profession of religion September 1, 1805. He connected himself originally with the church in Rindge, under the pastoral care of his father, while on a visit to his parents during one of his quarterly vacations. Of his exercises in the near prospect of this solemn act, not a memorial remains. The only direct allusion to this public dedication of himself to God, is in a letter to his mother, written a short time afterwards, in which he says-"As yet I have no reason to repent of the step I took while at home. On the contrary, I esteem it a great blessing that no obstacles prevented it." He adds, "I have felt wondrous brave and resolute since my return; but I rejoice with trembling. If I know any thing of my self, I shall need pretty severe discipline through life,

M. P.

4

and I often shrink at the thought of the conflicts that await me, but am encouraged by the promise that my strength shall be equal to my day." Never were apprehensions and hopes more signally realized. He who "tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," however, reserved the bitterest trials for a confirmed state of religious experience, mercifully indulging his servan with the light of his countenance, and a peaceful and happy progress in his pilgrimage, in its earliest stages. October 6th, he writes-" I know it will add to your happiness, my dear mother, to hear that I possess a large quantity of that desirable commodity. Since my return from Rindge, bating a few disagreeable days after parting with my friends, I have hardly known one unhappy moment. The doubts which formerly obscured my mind are dissipated, and I have enjoyed, and do still enjoy, mental peace, and, at times, happiness inexpressible. When I am thus happy, it renders me so benevolent that I want to make every one partake of it, and can hardly forbear preaching to every man I see. At the same time, the thought of what I deserve, compared with what I enjoy, humbles me to the dust; and the lower I get, the more happy do I feel; and then I am so full of gratitude and love, I can hardly support it. My only source of unhappiness, at such times, is the moral certainty that I shall again offend that God who is so infinitely, so condescendingly kind. This, indeed, seems impossible at the time; it then seems that worldly objects cannot possibly again acquire an undue influence over my mind. **** To think that I shall again become cold and inanimate, that I shall again offend and grieve 'he Holy Spirit, and perhaps be left openly to disho