I was as happy as nature could sustain, and could only say-Blessed Jesus! this is thy work. See my happiness. It proceeds from thee! This is the fruit of thy travail of soul. Renewed my covenant, and gave up my whole soul, with all its powers, to God as my Father, Christ as my Savior, and the Holy Spirit as my Sanctifier. Had another sweet season in prayer; but was assaulted by spiritual pride. I see frowns are necessary for me.

"May 4. Was less favored this morning than last evening; but had some assistance. Was aided in writing, but greatly oppressed with pride and vanity, which made their attacks upon me in inexpressible shapes, while I could do nothing.

(( May 5. Spent this day in the woods, in fasting and prayer, with a view to obtain mortification of my abominable pride and selfishness. Was favored with much fervency and enlargement the former part of the day, but was afterward much deserted; seemed to make no advances in holiness; o be of no advantage to the world, and unfit to live.

"May 6. Had some freedom in prayer. Felt very feeble, and unfit for study; but, praying that Christ's strength might be made perfect in my weakness, I was helped to write more than usual.

66 May 7. Out of order both in body and mind. Did little in my study, and had little freedom in prayer. May 8. Had some life and fervency this morning; but was exercised with wandering thoughts. Could do little all day.

May 9. Was much perplexed with some business with ****, so that I could neither read nor pray, any

ore than I could remove a mountain. This was

made useful to me. I saw by it the weakness of my graces, and learned to judge more favorably of those Christians who are exposed to the temptations of the world. It showed me also my need of divine help more clearly than ever. Were I exposed to the same temptations, I should lose all sense of divine things without greater supports than I ever had.

May 10. Was very unwell, and could neither eat, read, nor pray. Was excessively melancholy. "May 11. Was still more oppressed with melancholy, and felt even more miserable.

Was ashamed of my selfishness and ingratitude, in despising the blessings God had given me. Remained very wretched, and unable to do any thing. In the evening had some relief.

"May 12. Was, if possible, still more gloomy and depressed than yesterday. Seemed unfit to preach, and even to do any thing. Could only wander about from place to place, seeking rest, and finding none. In the evening a person arrived from Marlborougn, inviting me to come and preach four Sabbaths. After putting up a short but sincere petition that I might not be left to my own guidance, and asking the advice of my father, I promised to go. Retired, and cast my self upon the Lord for support, with a deep sense of my own utter insufficiency.

66 May 13. Having set apart this day for fasting and prayer, with reference to entering on the work of the ministry, I sought the divine presence and blessing, in which I was much assisted. Renewed covenant with God, and gave myself up to him for the work of the ministry. Was helped to plead with far more earnestness than ever before, and, indeed, with

as much as my nature could support, or was capable of, and this repeatedly during the day.

"May 14. Was very unwell, and apprehensive of a nervous fever. Could not read the most amusing books without weariness and distraction; and my body was so weak that I could exercise but very little. Yet, by divine goodness, was preserved in a quiet, submissive frame.

"May 15. Was better, and had some sweetness in secret devotion. Went to see an old man who has been converted in his old age. Found him full of affection, and possessing remarkably clear views of God and divine things, though in other respects weak and illiterate. Was somewhat refreshed with his conversation.-P. M. Forced to make a visit, but helped to introduce religious conversation.

"May 16. Felt very lifeless in the morning; but in secret prayer it pleased God to enliven me. In the evening was favored with equal, or greater degrees of fervency. My soul was suddenly humbled and broken for sin. I seemed to be much the least of all saints; and my very soul panted for God and holiness, as the hunted hart for the water-brook. Blessed be God for this day!

66 May 17. Sabbath, A. M. Very dull and lifeless, but in secret prayer the cloud was removed, and I found unspeakable delight in drawing near to God, and casting myself upon him. Christ appeared inconceivably precious, and I longed, with most intense desire, to devote myself to him, and to be like him. I could not but rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory, to think that God in Christ was, and would be, infinitely and unchangeably glorious and happy

In Christ I beheld such fullness and sufficiency, that all my late tormenting fears respecting being qualified for the ministry, and assisted in it, vanished. In the evening was overwhelmed with a view of my remaining corruptions, and especially of my pride; so that I was in a perfect agony, and could scarcely support it. I was just ready to despair, and give up all future striving as vain; but I fled to Christ, and poured out all my sorrows into his bosom, and he graciously pitied me, and strengthened me with might in my soul. I found unspeakable relief in telling him all my sorrows and difficulties. O, he is wonderfully, inconceivably gracious!

"May 18. Had very little freedom or fervency. Was perplexed with the scene before me, and could effect but little.

"May 19. Went with my father to the Association, for the purpose of receiving their approbation to preach the Gospel. Was exceedingly fatigued.

66

May 20. Was examined and approbated. Was so weak that I could scarcely stand; but was helped some measure."

CHAPTER VI.

His first efforts as a preacher-His religious character further developed.

HAVING been regularly introduced and recommended to the churches as a preacher, Mr. Payson proceeded, the next day, to Marlborough, to fulfill his engagement with the people of that place. Change of situation, however, did not interrupt his communion with God. On the way his mind was engrossed with divine contemplations, and with the duties and responsibilities of that new relation in which he now stood to the church and the world. During the time that intervened between this and the Sabbath he was not without misgivings; as he complains of being "almost discouraged and overwhelmed, in view of his unfitness for the ministry ;" and once, of even "wishing himself any thing rather than a minister." He "could hardly conceive it possible that one so inconceivably vile should be a child of God; but was nevertheless helped to cast his burden on the Almighty, and to agonize in prayer to be delivered from this body of death." The Saturday next preceding his first appearance in the pulpit, he had "resolved to spend in fasting and prayer;" but when the day arrived his "health would not permit." The day on which a man first stands forth as the ambassador of God to his fellowmen, is an important era in his life; but it had been anticipated with so much concern by Mr. Payson, that it seems to have been distinguished by no extraordinary strength of feelings. His own account of them is thus expressed: