Sir P. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead: nae, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it: sir, I raised it—by booing (bows ridiculously low) -by booing. Sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great mon, but always booed, and booed, and booed-as it were by instinct. Eger. How do you mean by instinct, sir? Sir P. How do I mean by instinct! Why, sir, I mean by—by— by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonderful to think what a cordial, what an amicable-nay, what an infallible influence booing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine by example and demonstration ? Eger. Certainly, sir. Sir P. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the stages of my booing, as an excitement, and a landmark for you to boo by, and as an infallible nostrum for a man of the world to rise in the world. Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience. Sir P. Vary weel, sir; sit ye down then, sit you down here. (They sit down). And now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts that your grandfather was a mon, whose penurious income of captain's half-pay was the sum total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every mon well pleased with himself. Eger. Very prudent advice, sir. Sir P. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you. Now, sir, with these materials, I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the North, to try my fortune with them here in the South, and my first step in the world was a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting-house here, in the city of London; which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect. Eger. It was not a very fertile one, indeed, sir. for Sir P. The reverse, the reverse. Weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply: I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night, and marked every mon and every mode. of prosperity; at last, I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang the bettering of my condition : and accordingly I set about it. Now, sir, in this pursuit beauty, beauty, ah! beauty often struck my een, and played about my heart; and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked; but the devil an entrance I ever let it get: for I observed, sir, that beauty is, generally, a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity. Eger. Very justly observed. Sir P. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark !—I looked out for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive, toothless, phthisicy, wealthy widow; or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity, in the shape of an izzard, or an appersi, and—or, in short, ainything, ainything that had the siller -the siller, for that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir? was nae that right? Eger. O! doubtless, doubtless, sir. Sir P. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller? nae till court, nae till playhouses or assemblies; nae, sir, I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, the independent, Bradlonian, and Muggletonian meetings: till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked-ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nae comfort but in metaphysical visions and supernatural deliriums-ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad-as mad as a Bedlamite. Eger. Not improbable, sir: there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition. Sir P. O! numbers-numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the tabernacle in Moorfields. And as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumped me down upon my knees, close by her -cheek by jowl-and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost cracked again. I watched her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week; married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month; touched the siller; and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again; (rises) and this, sir, was the first boo, that is, the first effectual boo, I ever made to the vanity of human nature. Now, sir, do you understand this doctrine ? Eger. Perfectly well, sir. Sir P. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off? Eger. Certainly, sir: extremely well. Sir P. My next boo, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding-school, by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the treasury; and, sir, my vary next step was into parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I booed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards, and attended, and dangled upon the then great mon, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence; and then, sir, I wriggled and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them. Ha! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets, and aw the political bonuses; till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier man than one-half of the golden calves I had been so long a booing to: and was nae that booing to some purpose? Eger. It was indeed, sir. Sir P. But are you convinced of the guid effects and of the utility of booing? Eger. Thoroughly, sir. Sir P. Sir, it is infallible. But, Charles, ah! while I was thus booing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune, ah! I met with many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, eloquence, and other popular abeeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken in the House, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the instant I opened my mouth there they aw fell a laughing at me; aw which deficiencies, sir, I determined at any expense, to have supplied by the polished education of a son, who I hoped would one day raise the house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers; you are popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you: and now, sir it only remains for you to be directed-completion follows. SCENE FROM THE ROAD TO RUIN. [Thomas Holcroft was born in London 1745, his father following the humble trade of a shoemaker, in which Thomas sometimes assisted. He then became a strolling player, and ultimately got a footing in Drury Lane Theatre. All this time he was a quiet and unknown student. He became a translator of French and German books, and obtained employment from the booksellers. He wrote more than thirty dramatic pieces, of which "The Road to Ruin" was the most popular. One of his pieces produced him more than 6007.; and there is not on record a more remarkable instance of what an entirely self-educated man can ccomplish by perseverance. He died March 3, 1809.] CHARACTERS: MR. DORNTON, a rich Banker. MR. SULKY, Dornton's Managing Clerk. SOENE-An Apartment in DORNTON'S House. A Table, Chairs, &c. Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and Footman. Footman. My old master is in a bitter passion, sir. Harry. I know it. Footman. He is gone down to turn the servant out of doors that let you in. Harry. Is be? Then you go and let your fellow-servant in again. Footman. I dare not, sir. He inquired who was with my young master. Milford. Well. Footman. And when he heard it was you, sir, he was ten times more furious. [Exit. Harry. All's well that ends well. This has been a losing voyage, Milford. Milford. I am a hundred and fifty in. Harry. And I ten thousand out. Milford. I believe I had better avoid your father for the present. Harry. I think you had. Dad considers you as my tempter: the cause of my ruin. Milford. And I being in his debt, he conceives he without ceremony. may treat me Harry. Nay, Jack, do him justice. It is not the money you had of him, but the ill advice he imputes to you, that galls him. Milford. I hear he threatens to arrest me. Harry. Yes; and he has threatened to strike my name out of the firm, and disinherit me, a thousand times. Milford. Oh! but he has been very serious in menacing me. Milford. You will be at the tennis-court to-morrow? Harry. No. Milford. What, not to see the grand match? Harry. No. Milford. Oh yes, you will. Harry. No; I am determined. Milford. Yes, over night; you'll waver in the morning. Harry. No; it is high time, Jack, to grow prudent. Milford. Ha, ha, ha! My plan is formed: I'll soon be out of debt. Harry. How will you get the money? Milford. By calculation. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Milford. I am resolved on it. How many men of rank and honour having lost their fortunes, have doubly recovered them. Harry. And very honourably? Milford. Who doubts it ? Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Nobody, nobody. Milford. But pray, Harry, what is it you find so attractive in my Late father's relict ? Harry. Ha, ha, ha! What, the Widow Warren! Milford. She seems to think, and even reports, you are to marry ner. Harry. I would rather be a post-horse: nay, the brute that drives a post-horse, than the base thing thou hast imagined. Milford. Then why are you so often there ? Milford. What, it is her daughter, Sophia? Milford. The poor young thing is fond of you 1 P Harry. I should be half mad if I thought she was not; yet am obliged to half hope she is not. Milford. Why? Harry. What a question. Am I not a profligate; and in all probability ruined ? Not even my father can overlook this last affair. Milford: The loss of my father's will, and the mystery made of its contents by those who witnessed it, are strange circumstances. debts. Harry. In which the widow triumphs. Milford. She refuses even to pay my Harry. And the worthy alderman, your father, being overtaken by death in the south of France, carefully makes a will, and then as carefully hides it where it is not to be found; or commits it to the custody of some mercenary knave, who has made his market of it to the widow. So, here comes the supposed executor of this supposed will. Enter Mr. SULKY. My dear Mr. Sulky, how do do? you Sulky. Very ill. Sulky. You. Harry. Indeed! I am very sorry. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Sulky. Ruin, bankruptcy, infamy. Harry. The old story. Sulky. To a new tune. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Sulky. You are Harry. What, my good cynic? Sulky. A fashionable gentleman. Harry. I know it. Sulky. And fashionably ruined. Harry. No: I have a father. Sulky. Who is ruined likewise. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Is the Bank of England ruined? Sulky. I say ruined. Nothing less than a miracle can save the house. The purse of Fortunatus could not supply you. Harry. No; it held nothing but guineas. Notes, bills, paper, for me. Sulky. Such effrontery is insufferable. For these five years, sir, you've been driving to ruin more furiously than Harry. An ambassador's coach on a birth-night. I saw you were stammering for a simile. Sulky. Sir! Harry. Youth mounts the box, seizes the reins, and jehus headlong on in the dark; Passion and Prodigality blaze in the front, bewilder the coachman, and dazzle and blind the passengers; Wisdom, Prudence, and Virtue are overset and maimed, or mur |