VON YEARLING HEIFFER.

THE CELEBRATED MAESTRO OF THE JEWSHARP.

FROM the remotest periods, almost every age can boast of some wonderful genius, whose intellectual or physical endowments, above all others, are pre-eminently distinguished. Bright and particular stars have struggled through the obscurity of the dark ages, and ever after shone with a steady, enduring and imperishable light. Others have burst forth like meteors for a time to dazzle and astonish mankind. Of the former, a Milton and a Shakspeare still shine with undiminished brilliancy in the literary firmament, whilst the coruscating genius of a Daniel O'Connell, Napoleon Bonaparte, Ole Bull, and VON YEARLING HEIFFER, captivate the senses and paralyze the gaze of the nineteenth century.

There would be much dispute as to the nationality of our hero, was it decided upon the principle of the ancient apothegm, non ubi nascor, sed ubi pascormaking that place his mother, not which bred, but which fed him, as every empire, kingdom, and state is tributary to his genius.

Fortunately we are fully acquainted with the early history of Von Yearling Heiffer, even from the hour of his birth, and all the details of his parentage and place of nativity.

Germany has the honour of being the birthplace of Von Yearling Heiffer. He was born in the romantic little village of Humbug, and Duchy of Buttermilkhausen.

With infinite pleasure we are able to record not only the day, and year, and month, but the precise hour to a minute, when that happy event transpired. It was on the memorable first day of April, A. D. 1823, at five and a half minutes past four of the morning.

His mother, Soosook Heiffer, was not what is termed a strong-minded woman, but remarkable for great propriety of demeanour, uncommon industry, and surprising strength of constitution: the latter she inherited from the English Bulls, to which family she was nearly related. She was what might be termed a pains-taking body, and addicted to very early rising. To this virtue then, may be ascribed the choice of that unfashionable hour to perform the important duty of giving birth to Von Yearling, that the rest of the day might be dedicated to the compounding of sausages and the fabrication of cheeses, in which separate and distinct sciences she eminently excelled.

From a portrait of that excellent woman which adorns the Hall of Churnagain, the palace of the Archduke Parmesan, we form a very favourable opinion of her personal accomplishments.

She was neither tall nor short, but perhaps might be more aptly styled a spherical beauty; that is to say, she was about as broad as she was long. This pleasing rotundity was usually encompassed by a short German woollen petticoat, the waist commencing immediately under the arms. Her head was adorned with one of

those exquisite little German skull-caps, plastered down with such skill that no phrenological developement was hid from view; or, more poetically described, as if some one had "plucked from her forehead an innocent love, and clapped a blister there." Her back had a graceful Grecian curve, though it has been intimated, (with what truth we will not pretend to affirm,) that the last mentioned beauty was an organic affection, occasioned by the weight of a musical instrument which her affectionate spouse was wont to place upon her shoulders, when perambulating the neighbouring villages.

This lovely woman was of English descent, as we before observed, originally from Cowes, where Ole Bull of that parish, the grand uncle of the immortal Ole Bull, was married to her mother, and took her to Buttermilkhausen. Of course the reader will perceive that there is an affinity between Ole Bull of forty-fiddlestick power, and the subject of our short biographical sketch.

So much for the maternal,-we will now glance at. the paternal side of this domestic picture, for every thing that relates, however remotely, to our hero, has become a matter of the deepest interest to the world.

They say, it is a wise child that knows his own father. Gifted as young Heiffer is with supernatural abilities, yet, an affecting incident has occurred to the gentleman who claimed the honour of being the author of our hero's existence, which utterly precluded him from any personal knowledge of his distinguished parent.

Horntosser, the father of Yearling Heiffer, whom it becomes our duty to notice, was an original but eccentric genius; the perfect antipode in disposition and tastes

to his lovely spouse. He was one of those powerful geniuses that would rather do any thing than work. So perfectly, however, did he appreciate the skill of his lady, that much of his time was dedicated to her sausages and cheeses; but suddenly, under an impulse which it is impossible and perhaps unnecessary to define, he quitted his home and wandered about in strange places, with no other companion than a monkey, of very small proportions, who figured upon the top of a rare instrument of music, out of which Horntosser did grind exquisite and dulcet tones.

It is reported that so great was the popularity of this worthy gentleman, that he seldom appeared in the streets of a town, but instantly a crowd gathered round his person, and bestowed many testimonials upon him, in the shape of copper coins, as tokens of remembrance.

In an evil hour, Horntosser encountered a pedlar, fresh from the United States of America, who gave him such glowing accounts of that new world, that he determined at once to quit his faderland, and embark for that Eldorado for pedlars, organ grinders, and catgut scrapers.

But alas, how short-sighted is man! The gay visions of Horntosser were never realized. Upon his arrival in America, he was not a little astonished and mortified to discover that numbers of his countrymen had already anticipated him, and that every town and village was plentifully supplied with barrel-organs and monkeys without number. But such were the supernatural endowments of his companion, so exquisite was the cut of his jacket, and with such infinite grace did he sport his little military cocked hat, whilst the Maestro extracted sweet

tones from his instrument, that a large share of public patronage was enjoyed by both.

If Horntosser had remained satisfied with the slow acquisition of wealth, the result, perhaps, would have been very different; but either from the effect of the atmosphere in which he moved, or from some uncontrollable desire for the sudden acquisition of fortune, his powerful genius conceived the idea of teaching his monkey to discharge a little ordnance at the spectators, not being aware that in the execution of this astonishing and pleasing feat he was infringing the great ordinances of the city of Brotherly Love. For a time, however, he reaped a harvest of coppers and sixpences by this daring exploit, when the monkey happening to discharge his pistol in the ear of a doctor's horse, that animal, much to the astonishment of the spectators, and entirely out of the course of his usual habits, scampered off with a speed that quickly demolished the vehicle to which he was fastened, much to his own satisfaction, but to the unequivocal mortification of the owner thereof. The doctor made complaint loud and strong before a magistrate, accompanied by divers imprecations against all organ-grinders and pistol-firing monkeys: an arrest of the ill-fated Horntosser was the consequence, and he and organ and monkey were carried before the tribunal of a magistrate.

In vain did poor Horntosser plead in German his utter and entire ignorance of the laws. In vain did he urge that his companion was an irresponsible being and not amenable to the law. The doctor was inexorable, and so was the magistrate; and all the profits of this gifted individual were in a moment, by the scratch of pen,